wish i was a fly on the wall

I wish I felt differently in this moment. I dont want to feel upset, or want to see someone I love get hurt. but there is something inside of me right now, that wants to see someone get what they deserve. and I'm sure if they do get it, afer they get it, I'll feel bad that they got it.

or will I?

I would hope I would feel terrible for feeling this way, even feeling this way in the smallest way still seems like a big feeling that I shouldn't have.

Everyone has a situation they feel wronged in. Something that went unjustified. I've worked really hard to understand not everything needs to be justified. I am not the justifier, the overseer of justificiation, I realize I may never even see any justification in my lifetime for something that has caused me a tremendous amount of pain. (and Im sure vice versa, someone out there, some place, the table is turned and they feel wronged by me. Truly, I know specific people who feel this way about me.) however, *I've also worked really hard on acceptance, forgiveness, respecting feelings and rules I don't agree with. I don't feel I need to be justified. I just want to let it go. And I thought I have. Until now. I don't want to give this dark cloud a reason to come back and threaten rain.

diaper love

in diapers, outta diapers.
wipes. clean, crisp, folded diapers out of the package, dirty diapers.
shelves and shelves of diapers at the store stacked up looking like they reach the ceiling and towering over me. overwhelming diapers. diapers that need to be directly taken out to the "big trash".

with all my babies. all my babies that are now out of diapers. I remember when I was a first time mom changing diapers, I didn't realize or appreciate what diapers meant. How could I?

Now I see it was the need it signified for my baby. The need I never knew I needed, or never knew I loved so much. How feeling that need felt so good over the smell of poop.

Everytime one of the kids were potty trained meant they grew up a little more and needed me less. They could do more on their own. It's what I wanted, right? what I worked so hard to teach them.

when each of my kids were finally out of diapers..... i felt a .... freeing feeling??. but really free from what? and now that there are no more diapers, I really didnt want to be so free after all.

now all I can do is shake my head and fight back some of the strongest emotions I've ever felt over diapers.

afternoon perfection

today I laid on my beach towel, on my belly... ready to close my eyes and just drift away, until Shane laid his towel next to mine, laid on his belly and put his face next to mine. He reached over and grabbed my hand.

It was just something about the sun, our wet towels on the pavement, and the breeze going through our fingers as we clasped hands that made everything seem like the world was perfect. I have no photo for this. just the memory and overwhelming feeling in my heart. His soft cool skin and his hair blowing across his face, and him trying to peep through the hair in his eyes to meet mine so he could say 'I love you Mom" ..... I said ' i love you' back ... and I can only hope he felt how perfect he is to me.