car wrecks & hummingbirds

My thoughts go so fast through my head i feel crazy sometimes. not your normal 'mom craziness'. but like borderline schitzophrenic craziness. I wish i had a brain recorder to record all of my thoughts. I thought about keeping pen and paper to write them down, or a tape recorder. besides hearing partial thoughts and a lot of "apologize to your brother/sister" im certain that when i come back to read those thoughts, or hear them from the recorder i would have lost whatever is was feeling in that EXACT moment... that moment of real. that moment of passion. that moment of unedited unanalyzed, uninterrupted thought process. i will not be able to feel what i was feeling the time i was feeling it. and for that i am sad. because when i think of something i think "wow i got to get this out on paper somewhere" . * i also have self-proclaimed/self-recognized ephiphanies* . .. gotta get those out somewhere. and then like a car wreck.. how fast a car wreck happens... i crash somewhere & im lost. thoughts are spinning out of control making skid marks on the pavement, nothing is in focus as it once was. thoughts are scattered all over the highway, thoughts are mixed in with debris, stuck in someone elses tire, thoughts have broken the windshield & dented the fender, thoughts have stopped an ENTIRE freeway and is jamming up the other side of, what was once flowing traffic, because of looky-lous. it could be a major wreck that is my distraction or something as small as picking up the kids from school (which IS a major distraction for me)i can be in the middle of a thought(s) when im in the car to pick the kids up from school and when everyone piles into the suburban talk of how days went, and what today's lesson was fogs up any trace of, what was once, a clear (almost finished) thought . its gone. just like that. JUST.LIKE.THAT.. I saw a hummingbird on the way to a church meeting today. i couldn't help but think that my thoughts were exactly like the hummingbird. there it was. Just for a few seconds. suspended in the air fluttering its wings at a million miles per mili -second and then in an instant it flew away. never to return so close as the way you saw it the first time it was there. I don't know about you guys but when i see a hummingbird i always kick myself in the butt because i never have my camera when one is around.. or they move too fast and im just not that quick with my camera so i can catch a picture of them. a picture so close where you can see the actual bird, the colors, their long beak and the blurriness of their wings. the same way i feel about my thoughts.... as much as i struggle with this though.. i am thankful. so for what its worth ......thank you God for my half thoughts...

smudgy handprints.

smudgy handprints on the windows.on walls.on doorknobs....smudgy handprints on my heart.

woodfloor has dirty laundry.crumbs. bits of cut up contruction paper...woodfloor echoes the sound of their little feet.

couch pillows un-arranged. couch blankets not folded right. comfy couch cuddles us when we snuggle to watch a movie.

kitchen is a mess. dishes. food. wrappers. this a kitchen that only makes food with love

dining room table holds homework. plates. cups. left open cereal boxes. dining room table holds our unforgettable time when we come together as a family to say grace and eat.

garage is a mess of bikes. scooters. skateboards. sidewalk chalk. footballs. basketballs. soccerballs. and hula-hoops. garage stores our things. garage stores our photos, our stories, garage stores our family heirlooms and memories.

tear streaks on a dirty face, tears for discipline, tears of compassion, tears of joy and happiness. tears of knowing I will never get these days back.. tears of knowing this is all happening too fast for me to take it all in. tears of undescribable gratefulness that God has blessed me this way.

Mr.X

Have you ever loved someone so deeply that it hurts? It hurts to love them? you could physically feel the hurt? the very deepest corners of your heart twisted up? the shortness of breath when you think about how much you love them? it feels like something heavy is sitting on you making it harder and harder to breath? not just when they've done you wrong but it hurts even when things are good? I love someone that way. Mr.X. when i look at him it hurts. it feels like my heart goes on and on and i can never reach the bottom when it comes to loving him. i can't string a sentence of words together to even get him to begin to understand how much i love him. i could never dream i would end up here.. here where there are no words to articulate to make him grasp how wide my love is. how far it goes. because it goes so far i don't even know how to describe it. i love him so much i constantly want him in my arms. and thats just impossible to hold someone all day?? isn't it? when they don't want to be held because they don't know how much you love them? if he knew would he feel differently and let me hold him? it hurts because i don't know when it will end. how it will end.I don't want us to end. I have this constant fear that it will end. maybe because sometimes it feels too good to be true? i want it to go on forever. how did i get to a place where I could allow myself to feel so deeply for someone that it hurts to love them? i look at pictures of us together and i just want to reach into the picture and shake the naive girl that is so silly in love and tell her not to take it for granted. tell her to love him more. love him more tender, more attentive, more supportive, more caring, more encouraging, more patient, more intently, more of a love that listens, instead of a love that strives to be heard. i want to cry everytime i think about how much I love him. I see him in everything I do. even in the most ordinary things. he is my perfectly clear black and white picture. The black is the shadows of our past together that brang us where we are at today.. the white, the light is the promise of our future.. there isn't anything extraordinary about it.. it's just him sitting looking at something that has caught his attention off in the distance. maybe inthis picture he is thinking about how much I love him.. and he is thinking about how much it hurts me to love him this much. could he possibly know? I can see the picture in my mind. i can see everything I love about him in this picture. his quiet strength. he makes me feel safe. he is my sunday afternoon. my late summer evening. my sugar. my salt. i take him for granted. i am so sorry. and it hurts us both when I don't show him more how in love with him i really am. he is the warm sun shining when the breeze is cool enough to make me cold. I have this vision of us dancing so close and cheek to cheek just swaying back and forth. never really moving our feet too much because we might loose the way we are excatly touching at that very moment...i never want to move or change position. im afraid of what will happen when I do. he is the hot water in the shower, the heat from the fire, the blanket that warms, the focus of the camera, the tears that well up in my eyes, the dimples on my face,my comfortable seat, my aching cheek muscles when I can't stop smiling, he's my end of the day when i just want to laydown. The other senses in my body want to call out 'stop hurting me' but my heart is a slave to him and its never felt this good to be hurt. he takes us from black and white and adds color. he makes me better. how blessed am I to love someone so much it hurts.. thank you Mr. X for loving me back so much it hurts you too..I thank God for you every day. I don't deserve you. ..

the great wall

angry blog? i get angry. I get upset. I get hurt feelings. Usually after a short period of time i realize it was nothing to ruffle my feathers over to begin with.. It all looks pretty silly after some time has passed. but when im in the moment I can't have the right perspective when Im in conflict. which may be the reason I should stop typing? or i should keep typing to see how ridiculous I sound upset? thats a tough call for me. ummmmmmmmmm... in the spirit of not having the right state of mind to make logical decisions I will continue to blog. yay! I am sure there are many that have traveled this path before me. like an old worn out dirt path in a beautiful green field the path is there from the feet that have shuffled, walked, ran, skipped, marched, and crawled. i am not the only one to build up walls and then have trouble tearing them down. I get this knot in my stomach that travels up to my throat when i think about those walls and how i need so desperately to tear them down.. but my heart, as a defense mechanism, seems to be building faster than I can take down one stone at a time. My flesh tells me there is nothing else I need more in this world more than this wall. this wall is my shield, protector, friend, it keeps me safe,warm, and dry from the storm and the coolness of the stones, that it is made of, provides shade & cools me when the heat comes.I rest easy against my wall knowing what is on the other side can't get me. what ever it is on the other side cant go through a stone wall, and although I am working harder and faster than ever to keep pulling stones down ... the wall seems to be getting higher.. not just unable to go through stone but not over the wall or around. I am a prisoner to my own wall. I am the warden with no keys. I kneel inside my cell and pray for Gods transcending love. I pray that God gives me a heart the opposite of my wall. Because God's love is the only thing that can make my wall come down.

i see dead people... well i look for them on long car trips.

okay. so does anyone else look for dead bodies on long car trips? when your a passenger and you pass a creek bed, rock creek, underpass, overpass, somewhere with weeds and cactus? I do. I look for a leg, an arm, a hand a foot.. if you could even catch that in a passing car... I know that sounds morbid, that must come from a curiously dark place inside me but when Im the passenger in the car I. look. for. dead. bodies! (maybe i should label this as a confession?)

disclaimers, promises & death

Well I knew I would find myself back blogging sooner or later. I don't really have a fan base except for my Mom.. which she's great and all but as my sister says "you're supposed to love everything I do.. you're my Mom". Which I have found out is not always entirely true in my case with my own children. Maybe in my Mom's case too, she has just perfected the art of encouragement and support no matter how her kids show up at her door. I know not everyone will read this and even if no one reads this I will keep this as a diary to give to my kids at some point. At their graduation from high school, graduation from college (God willing), their wedding.. at least before I die, lets put it that way. Maybe at one of their milestones, or just maybe before I die. I am not scared of death. Okay.... I know I just typed I wasn't scared of death but Im not really sure if I meant it. I don't want to be scared of death. There... that sounds right. I aspire to not be afraid of death but when I think of death I think about meeting Jesus and going to such a glorious place that my mind here on earth can't comprehend how amazingly awesome that will be. But then I think about leaving my kids and family behind..(if that turns out to be the case) and I can't go. I can't go to the place where I'm not scared to die. I feel I have peace in other areas of my life but where does the peace of dying come from. I mean I know where it comes from. It comes from resting in your heavenly Father. but i don't know how to get comfortable enough to rest when it comes to that. I'm sure it will come in time. Nothing worth having (even the peace with dying) happens over night. On a lighter note here is my disclaimer and promise:
Disclaimer: there will be mis-spelled words, sentences that start with "but" and "and". i will not always use correct punctuation or capitalization. i have the tendancy to have run-on sentences, which is a perfectly actual dipiction of my thoughts.
Promise: I promise to always be honest and transparent. I promise to keep this blog thing up to date. I promise to be a wife and a mother, cook, maid, taxi driver.. yadda yadda yadda and all those other things you hear in country songs and "mom poems" but must of all i promise to be a Woman of God & simplicity.. always striving to have the Mary spirit in a Martha world. I also promise to keep my kids off the stairs, in my house, because as well all know..........accidents happen =)