Mr.X

Have you ever loved someone so deeply that it hurts? It hurts to love them? you could physically feel the hurt? the very deepest corners of your heart twisted up? the shortness of breath when you think about how much you love them? it feels like something heavy is sitting on you making it harder and harder to breath? not just when they've done you wrong but it hurts even when things are good? I love someone that way. Mr.X. when i look at him it hurts. it feels like my heart goes on and on and i can never reach the bottom when it comes to loving him. i can't string a sentence of words together to even get him to begin to understand how much i love him. i could never dream i would end up here.. here where there are no words to articulate to make him grasp how wide my love is. how far it goes. because it goes so far i don't even know how to describe it. i love him so much i constantly want him in my arms. and thats just impossible to hold someone all day?? isn't it? when they don't want to be held because they don't know how much you love them? if he knew would he feel differently and let me hold him? it hurts because i don't know when it will end. how it will end.I don't want us to end. I have this constant fear that it will end. maybe because sometimes it feels too good to be true? i want it to go on forever. how did i get to a place where I could allow myself to feel so deeply for someone that it hurts to love them? i look at pictures of us together and i just want to reach into the picture and shake the naive girl that is so silly in love and tell her not to take it for granted. tell her to love him more. love him more tender, more attentive, more supportive, more caring, more encouraging, more patient, more intently, more of a love that listens, instead of a love that strives to be heard. i want to cry everytime i think about how much I love him. I see him in everything I do. even in the most ordinary things. he is my perfectly clear black and white picture. The black is the shadows of our past together that brang us where we are at today.. the white, the light is the promise of our future.. there isn't anything extraordinary about it.. it's just him sitting looking at something that has caught his attention off in the distance. maybe inthis picture he is thinking about how much I love him.. and he is thinking about how much it hurts me to love him this much. could he possibly know? I can see the picture in my mind. i can see everything I love about him in this picture. his quiet strength. he makes me feel safe. he is my sunday afternoon. my late summer evening. my sugar. my salt. i take him for granted. i am so sorry. and it hurts us both when I don't show him more how in love with him i really am. he is the warm sun shining when the breeze is cool enough to make me cold. I have this vision of us dancing so close and cheek to cheek just swaying back and forth. never really moving our feet too much because we might loose the way we are excatly touching at that very moment...i never want to move or change position. im afraid of what will happen when I do. he is the hot water in the shower, the heat from the fire, the blanket that warms, the focus of the camera, the tears that well up in my eyes, the dimples on my face,my comfortable seat, my aching cheek muscles when I can't stop smiling, he's my end of the day when i just want to laydown. The other senses in my body want to call out 'stop hurting me' but my heart is a slave to him and its never felt this good to be hurt. he takes us from black and white and adds color. he makes me better. how blessed am I to love someone so much it hurts.. thank you Mr. X for loving me back so much it hurts you too..I thank God for you every day. I don't deserve you. ..