i'm a....

sometimes this is it.
frizzy hair.
coffee drinker.
yell at my kids.
don't make 7 course dinner evernight (or even every other night)
let my kids eat dirt
let them put everything in their mouth
let them have sugary cereals
don't fix my hair
don't go through my mail everyday
don't clean out my purse (when i get a different one then I clean the old one and then the new one becomes as messy as the old one)
I've let my kids cry themselves to sleep.
I've lost my one of my kids in a mall.
i love ice cream way too much
i put deodarant on because ... well i put deodarant on because maybe I didn't shower that day.
I have empty mascara tubes in each one of my purses.
i like to bake instead of help my kids with homework.
i'm selfish.
i am fear driven, anxiety ridden, psycho sweeper because we have hardwood floors and my baby crawls and walks on them.
i have a cobwebb that is way up high on one of my hanging lights on the second story of my house and it BOTHERS me.
i'm a lemon eater. on EVERYTHING.
im stingy with the tapatio.
sushi is a long lost friend that i just cant get enough of when we are reunited.
im a complainer
i don't drink enough water or
eat enough of the right foods.
im a pack rat. (i advise others to not be but im the biggest one of all)
im a yardsale JUNKIE.
im a thrift store scout.
im a beach bum that loves going to the beach with her kids but wishes she could fall asleep at the beach without worrying about anybody drowning or being kidnapped.
im a smack talker (to my husband... not so much in public anymore)
im sure i'll add more to this list later because im a lister.

my heart sings

how many different songs can my heart sing in one week?
in one day?
in one hour?
at one time?

I like to call my life "organized chaos"
I like to CALL it that.
not so organized all the time.
sometimes just the chaos minus the organized.

okay minus the organized A LOT.
but my heart sings because of it.
it sings.

sometimes i feel inundated with kids, housework, information, kids, dinner, work.
my heart sings. it sings an upbeat pop song relfecting the "poppin'" along from one scene to the next.

i see my fifteen month old son reaching for something dirty off the ground to put into his mouth.
snot pouring from his nose into his mouth.
my heart sings... its sings an opera song.

when I accomplish a project or task, finish a list, or just get the trash cans out on time....
my heart sings...my heart is the singer and the world is my marching band.

when I snap at my husband and feel that he's not listening.... my heart sings.
it sings Tracy Champman "give me one reason"

When I see the work of God... see God working in people, lives, schools, churches, hospitals, children, parents, families.... my heart sings. it sings a song of triumphant worship.

When I think of someone that I've loved, i've lost, i've let go, i've buried deep in my soul... my heart sings. it sings a slow Billie Holiday "ill be seeing you'.

My kids running around barefoot in the sprinklers, eatin' up popsicles on a warm day. my heart sings. sings Bob Marley "don't worry about a thing" with a mega phone from the tallest tower and the highest roof top.

my heart sings. and for whatever song my heart is singing ....my heart sings because God has put a song in my heart!

my heart sings.

let me.

to my first born son....

you've taught me so many things. you don't know much when your 18 & have a baby boy.
you saved me.
you showed me what unconditional love is.
let me show you back.

Im caught between letting you be your age & keeping you as a baby.
im learning.

when did you grow? i've been there everyday of your life? how did you get so big?
grow in heart? grow in love? how did your heart get so big?
you can't even scowl at me without me wanting to put my hand on your face & pull you in for a big squeeze. even though im not "cool" when i do that.
When did you start to take iniative? Initiave to be so grown up? iniative to lead?

Let me hold you forever & rub my chin along the shape of the top of your nose as you sleep. hold your hands out to me so I can reach down and scoop you up.
let me protect you. Let me rock you to sleep forever.
you'll always be my baby. I love you uncondtionally.
xo Mom.

AWESOME-ER

I had a vistor last night. It was after 8 o'clock p.m. Any other night my kids would have been in bed but I promised them girl scout cookie flavored ice cream. They were waiting for me to deliver. There was a knock at the door. From upstairs I rolled my eyes at someone knocking at my door after my kids were supposed to have been in bed. This better be an emergency! Looking over the bannister I see Danny open the door. I tried to catch a glimpse at who's there. I see long, light colored hair... okay. I've identified its NOT my neighbor. I see her face and her smile. Its my Auntie Mary. I flew down the stairs. and hugged her so tight i almost squeezed the life out of her and knocked her over. oh yeah and the kids were excited too. I felt like a 9 year old girl. I was so excited and overcome with emotion. No matter who, how or what... my Aunt Mary is one of my favorite people.
I've not seen her in a couple months. It was a suprise visit. She was in the area, on her way back home from visiting a friend in a near-by city and decided to stop by. She doesn't live that far away.. but we don't always get to see each other as much as we'd like to.
I'd had a great day... i was productive.. had fun with my kids. They played outside. Danny fixed dinner. It was delicious. I put all the laundry away. swept the floor and was watching Dancing with the Stars. I was happy my day was so awesome... and then she showed up and made it AWESOME-ER. We had a great visit... caught each other up to speed on somethings and then she left.
I laid in bed after everyone was sleeping and God revealed to me, ONCE AGAIN, that he has a way more AWESOME-ER plan than I could ever dream up or attempt to put into action. I thought about memories I've had with Auntie Mary.... and it made me happy.... happy that God has kept her in my life.

ZEST

Do you remember the bar soap Zest? I've not seen it since I was a kid. I know it's still around... i just use a different brand of soap, so I don't notice if its on the shelf at the market.
(**Life comparison**)
Zesty...
i think of lemon zest.
i think of zest for life.
I think of Rozzy's attitude.
I think "ooo... that sauce is zesty"

I don't equate zesty to clean.. why they used it for a bar of soap... we may never know. your so clean that your cleanliness gives you a zest for life? hmmm... perhaps.

zest for life... i like that one

Credit

I wish I could take credit. Credit for making beautiful babies. ( When someone compliments me on one of my children I am incredibly, out of this world proud... and then I say "thank you I did them all by myself" giving no credit to my husband at all) Credit for planting compassionate kids that love God. Credit for their incredibly imaginative, creative, improvising, resourceful brains. I wish I could take credit for any and all work I am proud of doing but I dont deserve the credit. God does. the plans, the reasons, the smiles, the tears, the longings & desires... the washed dishes and folded laundry... yes.... my hands did it ... but I want these hands to be seen as the hands of God. A reflection of the love and the bigger plan he has for me & my family.

I have a list.. well.................okay I have 3 lists.... 1) the list of stuff that has to get done immediatley... (housework, dinner, bathing kids, quiet a screaming baby...ha) 2) the list of stuff that has been on list #1 too long and i need to get to it soon because i keep not making time for it....(cleaning out files, organizing mail, pick up garage, before i go in it one day and never come out & quiet a screaming baby. ha.) 3) the list of stuff that i dont want to put on list #2 because it would be more scarier than what it already is... SO. this is the list of stuff that Im going to slap "long term goals" on to make me feel better about it...i want to get this list done eventually........ (okay.. just before i die).....( planting/gardening, updating albums & picture frames, organize cabinets, organize homevideos & movies... etc..) SOMEDAY.. i will get it ALL done or some done or nothing done. Regardless the outcome my intentions are good... and then the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" comes to mind.......God knows my heart, he knows my intentions, and he makes my hands capable of things I know I could never accomplish by myself. I take no credit. Enthusiastic to serve and happy & humbled be creditless.....

Muchness

Over the weekend I went to a few places I haven't been a while. Back to the vicinity of where I was raised. The movies. and to Wonderland. All of those places took me somewhere. I watched the movie Alice in Wonderland... and it all came down to a line in the movie where the madhatter tells Alice " you were so MUCH more.... you've lost your MUCHNESS" .... all of these places reminded me of how much I am, in one way or another. How much I missed it or how much I loved those places when i was a kid. I hope to give my babies much. I am much... and I will never loose my muchness.

T.I.L.T.

I can't do anything without thinking of God and praising him for transforming me into his broken horse.

I asked to be broken. I prayed for it.

In the words of Ramona "what were you thinking?"

so when the table goes on T.I.L.T. or even gets completely flipped upside down I thank God for it... and his fatherly love to break me for his bigger plan.

Being broken never felt so good.

I live for...

I held my babies yesterday. I wanted to blog about it last night but I knew my sappy blog would go on and on. so... i decided to do it this morning. I held my baby yesterday. my 14 month old baby boy. wow... he's 14 months old. Its not like I didn't know how old he is ... its just for some reason he reached 14 months old quicker than any of the other kids. but i held him yesterday, and he let me. he let me hold him. He just started walking about a month ago. so he's a wiggly worm always pushing off of me to get down or get to his loot box (his Dad). but yesterday he just layed on me. For more than 45 seconds. and for the first 45 seconds I wondered when it would end and if he was sick, not feeling well. but then i realized I had just wasted those first 45 seconds. the next 20 seconds i rubbed my cheek against the top of his head & squeezed him as tight as I could, without suffocating him. then he wanted down. I live for those 65 second moments.

My sweet princess is going to be 6 years old this year. We tease about how small she is. She weighs about 35 pounds and most of it is her hair. She has a mop head. at times she is so mature. we also tease that she is a 43 year old trapped in a 5 year olds body. she sat next to me on the couch the other day and put her head on my arm. I didnt want to move and scare her away like a lizard. i sat very still and just enjoyed that I needed her as much as she needed my arm. My heart is joyful but it also hurts to think of her growing up. I live for the moments she rests her head on my arm.

Shane my middle son is such a lover. he is the most exceptionally compassionate, loving, affectionate boy you may ever meet. I have a couple different nick names for Shane. Shane-bug and snuggly-bear. For some reason he calls me his 'ham-bear'. i don't even want to know why. nevertheless he is the one who always wants to cuddle. he wants to snuggle with pillows and blankets. He has so much love inside of him that he literally might go crazy if he doesn't share it with someone.. im so glad he sometimes chooses me. He's the kid when i drop him off infront of the school that still kisses me in front of his friends and yells back 'i love you mom! have a good day!'. i love for the moments when he is my snuggly-bear.

my oldest son is quite big. well of course the biggest of all the others, which makes him quite big to me. by the end of this year he will be taller than me. which some would say is not much of a challenge. but to me thats just nutty. he will still come sit in my lap and curl up in to this huge ball and say in this weird baby alien voice 'Mom, hold me. im your baby too". now as silly as this looks and sounds and actually is.... my eyes can't help but get blurry from enormous tears in my eyes that im trying to hold back. i'm laughing when he is doing this and i'm short of breath but my heart is breaking inside. this is my baby. and I can't help but cry even as I type this. I live for the moments when i hear his weird baby alien voice.

God blesses me with the 65 seconds, the head on my arm, cuddling, and a weird baby alien voice. I am so grateful God has blessed me with an abundance of these moments.

squinty eyes

do you remember when you made that first big purchase? when you were 18? just moved out? or just engaged? just married? just went off to college? for me... I was 18 & just married. My strapping, young, handsome husband and I were pacing over a coffee table. whenever it was for you and whatever your purchase was ...do you remember fretting over making the right decision of buying it or not? was there a better deal? should I get this instead of that? trying to establish a budget for yourself. the perspiration that came when making the walk to the check out? then came the feeling like you were dancing on the highest peak of the brightest rainbow when you got to the register to have the cashier inform you that you stayed within your budget? *DID* the cashier know my budget? it felt like everyone in the store knew my budget and would be naturally waiting for me at the register to see if I made it. after the clenched fists and squinty eyes (which naturally squinty eyes run in my family) you got the news that you stayed within your budget...fists still clenched and eyes still squinty but for an entirely different reason. you made your first real purchase, that would turn out to be an investment. there would be like a mariachi, or a full piece band to help you celebrate...the other customers would parade around you with party favors. confetti would fall from the ceiling of the store and maybe you would win a free trip to disneyland! well even if all of that didn't actually happen... it was happening in your head. I forgot what that felt like. Thank you Sissy for being 19 and letting me dance on your brightest rainbow with you.

a branch of the blessing tree

I'm sitting here staring at this blank space on the computer screen. I'm so blown away .. just really melted into a pool of unworthy mush by how God continues to pour out A-MAZING blessings... whether I have been blessed, or have witnessed someone else's blessing, been apart of blessing someone, what ever branch of the blessing tree it comes from.... i am blessed by it. God continues to take me to places I never knew exsisted in my spiritual walk. I am always so grateful for the people in my life. for EVERYTHING. the lump in my throat and tears in my eyes tell me there are no words.

I was dealing with a difficult situation. I was finding it extremely hard to move on from unresolved feelings. I felt stuck in cement. so stuck in cement and unable to move that I couldn't even remember to move to pick up my kids from school. I was so entrenched in what I was going through I forgot about my kids. the most important anything to me (aside from God) I forgot them... i looked at the clock and "om.gosh. THE KIDS!".. and you know that one time you are late... and it looks like you forgot your kid (which in my case was the absolute truth) and you vow.. 'geez.. i've gotta snap out of it, whats the matter with me.. this is taking over my priorities, this is all i ever think or talk about, if it's making me miserable to think about it.. then think about what the people that are listening to me have to endure. SHA! I'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!'... but sure enough the sun rises, i try to have a postive outlook.. pray in the morning only to find myself sucked right back in.. and forgetting to pick the kids up AGAIN!. Luckily for me God sent an old friend. We don't talk all the time.. kids, family life and what not... but she chatted me and asked if I could offer up some advice for a situation she was struggling with. as she began to go through her worries ...I recognized EXACTLY what she was saying... I was going through the exact same thing. I couldn't believe it! I told her I had a very similar situation and that I didn't know if i was the right person to talk to about it since I was struggling as well. she told me she had been praying and didn't feel herself getting anywhere. I prayed that God would give me the right words to encourage her to see her situation to the end... God moved. I told her just when she feels she is at her breaking point and can't try any harder.. when she wants to give up... thats when she needs to work her hardest... and that giving it to God is the only way to have peace. I heard once in a church message "God will never give you anything bigger if you can't be faithful with what you have now". Our own desire to control our situation may be a test for something bigger God has planned for one of us.... or both of us. But we will never be trusted with anything bigger if we don't trust God with the small stuff. and im sure both of our situations, looking on it now, was pretty small. I'd had prayer for my situation earlier in the week and She was my answer to prayer. Hopefully I was part of the answer to her prayer as well.

the invisible woman

I wish I could take credit for something so meaningful ...so beautiful... but I cant. I didn't write this or contribute to it at all. but it really does sum up who I am... and Im sure I am not the only crazy mom out there with a camera....

It started to happen gradually.

One day I was walking my son Jake to school. I was holding his hand and we were about to cross the street when the crossing guard said to him, "who is that with you, young fella?"

"Nobody," he shrugged.

Nobody? The crossing guard and I laughed. My son is only 5, but as we crossed the street I thought, "Oh my goodness, nobody?"

I would walk into a room and no one would notice. i would say something to my family like "turn the TV down, please," and nothing would happen. Nobody would get up, or even make a move for the remote. i would stand there for a minute, and then i would say again, a little louder, "Would someone turn the TV down?" Nothing.

Just the other night my husband and I were out at a party. We'd been there for about 3 hours and I was ready to leave. i noticed he was talking to a friend from work. So I walked over, and when there was a break in the conversation, I whispered, "I'm ready to go when you are." He just kept right on talking. I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids would walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. NO one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask "what time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer "what number is the Disney Channel?"

I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated classes - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.

It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress. It was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me a with a beautifully wrapped package and said "I brought you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I had read her inscription. "To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read- no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals- we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifces and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."

And the workman replied, "because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifces you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times my invisibility feels like an affliction. but it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perpective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifce to that degree.

When I really think about it, i don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for the 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifces of invisible women.

thoughts lost in space

i just wrote a huge long blog and then i re-read it back to myself and erased it all. i think my blog needs some caffiene.

im sure mosquitos are good for something besides biting my babies. Im sure God intended them to be beneficial somewhere. i've not found their specific purpose. LIGHTBULB. i just compared my life to a mosquitos.

Hello March!

Hello March! I've never really noticed you before like I have today. what you have to bring to the table. what you have to offer. your amazing under-estimated potential to change my entire mood & perspective. The promise of friendly flowered fragrance, vivid colors that aren't located on color swatches or you can find in a crayon box. I didn't realize you were so beautiful as the other eleven months. The clear, crisp, breezy air you bring... and then you bring your friends too. The bright mango orange sun, the periwinkle blue sky.. so blue it has a tinge of purple to it.. and the puffs of white so detailed it looks like they are handcrafted and placed into the sky on purpose to make my day.

Love smells like my babies after a bath & cookies in the oven.
like a kitchen counter just cleaned with c0lorox wipes.

love smells of paint thinner & motor oil. like smoke from the bbq grill making hamburgers & hot dogs on a warm summer evening. Love smells like car sick.

Love smells like hot coffee & homemade biscuits. Love smells like Great Grandma Ethail.
Love smells like chorizo & eggs. like fresh cut grass.

Love sounds like a 10 year olds attitude. like the 9 year old that tries the same attitude.
Love sounds like a window breaking scream that shreds your nerves. Love sounds like "mommy will you paint my nails?"

Love sounds like the beaters of a mixer. love sounds like a teacher conference. like a a slamming door. like a "your ruining my life". love sounds like playful rough housing that turns bad. Love sounds like basketballs bouncing and bikes whizzing around in a cul-de-sac.

love sounds like a car starting. like worship at church, or in the car or during housework. love sounds like runny noses and coughs. Love sounds like God's still, small voice.

Love looks like my husband starting his dirt bike. Love looks like good grades, awards and acheivements. Love looks like starbucks (and tastes like it too). love looks like and empty refridgerator. Love looks like throw up in a hard to clean place. Love looks like a two bedroom apartment with stained carpet.

Love looks like a wall of prayer. Love looks like a suitcase. it looks like the last street on a cul-de-sac where you wish you can ride your bike without any fear. Love looks like 25 years of distance and separation.

Love looks like an old piece of chewed up gum that has lost its flavor. Love looks like date nights, and kids sleeping in the middle.

Love is God blessing me with all of the above...Love is God seeing in me what I can't see in the mirror.