ive been moved.
i picked up trash at a beach this weekend with my family.
it moved me.
i argued with my husband, then realized I should have let God handle it instead.
it moved me.
i heard Seth come to life as Marcus Allen in a video biography at open house.
it moved me.
i read Shanes pen-pal letters at school & how he talks about how much he loves his family.
it moved me.
I listened to Mrs.C talk about how good Rozzy is at reading & then I saw a self-portrait Rozzy drew & colored of her self.
It moved me.
I went to dinner with my family.
it moved me.
I watched my baby boy play in the sand. eat a hot dog, dip it in the sand, & eat it again.
it moved me.
i went to church and sang songs of worship.
it moved me.
i got a pedicure this weekend that was lOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOng overdue.
it moved me.
i ate a fudgecicle with my babies on a hot afternoon.
it moved me.
I made a Rachael Ray recipe for my father-n-law who we haven't seen in forever.
he liked it & so did Danny & the kids.
it moved me.
i found out things about my past that shouldn't matter... but do.
it moved me.
i compared my relationship with God to me trying to fall asleep on a hot, stuffy, smuggy, summer night as I lay in bed upstairs with the window open and fan on flipping and flopping around like a fish out of water and when finally I am still I can finally cool off and drift off to sleep...
it moved me.
i've been moved.
by Stevie Marie Armstrong
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
top of the world
even when I don't see myself or feel like im on top of the world... I am.
on the top of the world there is homework on the table,
empty or half empty cups on the table,
dishes in the sink,
blankets on the couch,
laundry piled up,
unmade beds,
toothpaste on the counter and oozing out of the tube.
on the top of the world there are old dusty candles,
unread books, unsharpened pencils,
and no toilet paper on the rolls in the bathroom.
there is a T.V blaring, a booked up calendar marked up with pen everywhere.
on the top of the world there are kids constantly in the kitchen wandering around like starving children.
there is a substantial sized pile of mess swept up in the corner, behind the door.
there are no shoes on the top of the world.
there is arguing, bickering and disagreements on the the top of the world.
The song "Stairway to Heaven" plays at the top of the world.
on the top of the world i make dinner and not everyone is crazy about it.
there is sun,cold, wind, rain,chiliness, hail, blue skies,briskness, silver linings, and warmth.
there is a place for scrapbooking in the garage on top of the world.
sometimes there are skimpy breakfasts on top of the world.
on the top of the world i touch my babies everyday, share their laughter, share their tears.
I feel my husband and his strong hands, and look into his heartwarming, big hearted, soft&cozy, "it feels like home" eyes.
On the top of the world I talk to and see the people that matter most.
I talk to God there. God hears me when Im on top of the world or down in the valley.
and when im down in the valley im still on top of the world.
on top of the world my senses are heightened. On top of the world I am aware. on top of the world I hold on to things tighter and hold them closer. on top of the world i am most gratefull because i haven't fell off.
im on top of the world because i know what it took to get here. Im on top of the world because of the people that are with me.
I am on top of the world because my mom loves me for who I am, no rules, regulations, or restrictions. unconditional.
Im on top of the world because I have such an example to pattern myself after.
im on top of the world because the friends I have are irreplaceable, because they all contribute something special and extremely extraordinary.
I am on top of the world because I am here. in this house. down the street from my mom, dad, sisters & brothers. surrounded by love, belonging, family, comfortablness, incomprable joy, familiarity. here, on top of the world.
on the top of the world there is homework on the table,
empty or half empty cups on the table,
dishes in the sink,
blankets on the couch,
laundry piled up,
unmade beds,
toothpaste on the counter and oozing out of the tube.
on the top of the world there are old dusty candles,
unread books, unsharpened pencils,
and no toilet paper on the rolls in the bathroom.
there is a T.V blaring, a booked up calendar marked up with pen everywhere.
on the top of the world there are kids constantly in the kitchen wandering around like starving children.
there is a substantial sized pile of mess swept up in the corner, behind the door.
there are no shoes on the top of the world.
there is arguing, bickering and disagreements on the the top of the world.
The song "Stairway to Heaven" plays at the top of the world.
on the top of the world i make dinner and not everyone is crazy about it.
there is sun,cold, wind, rain,chiliness, hail, blue skies,briskness, silver linings, and warmth.
there is a place for scrapbooking in the garage on top of the world.
sometimes there are skimpy breakfasts on top of the world.
on the top of the world i touch my babies everyday, share their laughter, share their tears.
I feel my husband and his strong hands, and look into his heartwarming, big hearted, soft&cozy, "it feels like home" eyes.
On the top of the world I talk to and see the people that matter most.
I talk to God there. God hears me when Im on top of the world or down in the valley.
and when im down in the valley im still on top of the world.
on top of the world my senses are heightened. On top of the world I am aware. on top of the world I hold on to things tighter and hold them closer. on top of the world i am most gratefull because i haven't fell off.
im on top of the world because i know what it took to get here. Im on top of the world because of the people that are with me.
I am on top of the world because my mom loves me for who I am, no rules, regulations, or restrictions. unconditional.
Im on top of the world because I have such an example to pattern myself after.
im on top of the world because the friends I have are irreplaceable, because they all contribute something special and extremely extraordinary.
I am on top of the world because I am here. in this house. down the street from my mom, dad, sisters & brothers. surrounded by love, belonging, family, comfortablness, incomprable joy, familiarity. here, on top of the world.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
be still
I dont know how to start this blog accept to just warn you it will be a long one.
I went to a place over the weekend that took me back.
took me back to a place that overwhelmed me. One memory right after the next.
no time to breathe in between.
Memories my mind could process.
Memories my heart couldn't.
Memories that stripped me down.
memories I thought i had forgotten about or supressed.
memories I couldn't fight. I crumbled a bit.
I had to be still or I would've crumbled completely.
I saw places that made me feel a child.
places that made me feel like a teenager.
places that made me feel cheated, insecure, vunerable, triumphant, reflective.
I was flooded.
I had to be still to feel them.
the places I saw... the places i felt ... showed me how far I've come. How hard I've worked. what i've endured. what was taken. what was given.
I would have never imagined where Im at now would've have been apart of God's plan for me 15 years ago. 20 years ago. ever.
God is working. I have to be still to feel God's presence in my life.
the lump in my throat was in charge. some things can't be fought back no matter how hard you work to fight them.
in a way i welcomed the feelings that came with the memories i'd worked so hard to fight away.
the air felt so thick. my heart felt so heavy. my heart might explode. it might explode right out of my chest.
all I can do is be still.
so wrapped up in what once was that I cant tell if there are more happy memories than the ones that make me feel pain. they all blur together. it reminds me of whats missing. what was missing for so long. what could have been. i almost feel a tinge of anger but then another memory comes hurling at me before i have a chance to catch my breath.
I am driving, sitting, standing, crying, smiling, laughing ... aware of all my senses but so much more aware of my heart. its louder than anything I can tune in to.
when is the lump in my throat going to go away? will it ever? I am almost content with the lump staying there. it reminds me. reminds me of what i have to be thankful for.
it reminds me to be still.
and then I hear....
i thought if i could touch this place or feel it this brokedness inside me might start healing. out here its like im someone else. i thought maybe i could find myself. if i could walk around i swear i'll leave. the memories that built me.
all this. all this and i feel so many things I can't describe or label.
all this and at the same time i feel so weak but so strong.
these places call my name like they've known me all my life. i know them. but somethings have changed. I don't feel the need to have to get back to the person I was. and that makes me feel good.
the past helps me look towards the future. how so many pages are still unwritten. all this shows me God's divine planning is all powerful and all purposefull.
he wants me to be still.
one trip, one town, down a couple streets,visit a few places, makes me feel all over the map. and then at second glance makes me realize how NOT all over the map I am anymore. the bigger picture makes me feel grounded now compared to then. everything has made me. how thankful. how aware. how still.
my places to be still.
I am sure everytime I drive in that neighborhood, everytime I pass those streets, everytime I see those places I will always go back. i feel i have started new chapters in my life but that door will never completely be closed. a door that has been wide open, half way open or just cracked open... but never completely shut. I believe God has designed it to be that way. those places combined with my life now makes something so great.. so real that its indescribably awesome times infinity.
& when Im still.... extremely still ...... everything makes perfect sense.
I went to a place over the weekend that took me back.
took me back to a place that overwhelmed me. One memory right after the next.
no time to breathe in between.
Memories my mind could process.
Memories my heart couldn't.
Memories that stripped me down.
memories I thought i had forgotten about or supressed.
memories I couldn't fight. I crumbled a bit.
I had to be still or I would've crumbled completely.
I saw places that made me feel a child.
places that made me feel like a teenager.
places that made me feel cheated, insecure, vunerable, triumphant, reflective.
I was flooded.
I had to be still to feel them.
the places I saw... the places i felt ... showed me how far I've come. How hard I've worked. what i've endured. what was taken. what was given.
I would have never imagined where Im at now would've have been apart of God's plan for me 15 years ago. 20 years ago. ever.
God is working. I have to be still to feel God's presence in my life.
the lump in my throat was in charge. some things can't be fought back no matter how hard you work to fight them.
in a way i welcomed the feelings that came with the memories i'd worked so hard to fight away.
the air felt so thick. my heart felt so heavy. my heart might explode. it might explode right out of my chest.
all I can do is be still.
so wrapped up in what once was that I cant tell if there are more happy memories than the ones that make me feel pain. they all blur together. it reminds me of whats missing. what was missing for so long. what could have been. i almost feel a tinge of anger but then another memory comes hurling at me before i have a chance to catch my breath.
I am driving, sitting, standing, crying, smiling, laughing ... aware of all my senses but so much more aware of my heart. its louder than anything I can tune in to.
when is the lump in my throat going to go away? will it ever? I am almost content with the lump staying there. it reminds me. reminds me of what i have to be thankful for.
it reminds me to be still.
and then I hear....
i thought if i could touch this place or feel it this brokedness inside me might start healing. out here its like im someone else. i thought maybe i could find myself. if i could walk around i swear i'll leave. the memories that built me.
all this. all this and i feel so many things I can't describe or label.
all this and at the same time i feel so weak but so strong.
these places call my name like they've known me all my life. i know them. but somethings have changed. I don't feel the need to have to get back to the person I was. and that makes me feel good.
the past helps me look towards the future. how so many pages are still unwritten. all this shows me God's divine planning is all powerful and all purposefull.
he wants me to be still.
one trip, one town, down a couple streets,visit a few places, makes me feel all over the map. and then at second glance makes me realize how NOT all over the map I am anymore. the bigger picture makes me feel grounded now compared to then. everything has made me. how thankful. how aware. how still.
my places to be still.
I am sure everytime I drive in that neighborhood, everytime I pass those streets, everytime I see those places I will always go back. i feel i have started new chapters in my life but that door will never completely be closed. a door that has been wide open, half way open or just cracked open... but never completely shut. I believe God has designed it to be that way. those places combined with my life now makes something so great.. so real that its indescribably awesome times infinity.
& when Im still.... extremely still ...... everything makes perfect sense.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Spent
im spent.
the time i spent on the phone with a crazy, psycho, low balling, money ransoming, creepy Iranian voice box, stalker calling guy.
the time i spent with the police.
the time i spent a nervous wreck.
the time i spent at the desert.
the time i spent watching, not just my boys ride but my girl too.
the time i spent spending time with family.
the time i spent seeing, and planning new photo shoot locations.
the time i spent trying to recover on Monday from being spent over the weekend.
i was spent from watching 2 extra kids this week.
spent from planning for some upcoming events.
spent because i knew i hadn't spent enough time on doing other things that needed to be done... spent just thinking about them.
today i couldn't help it.
i spent a good 2 hours on the couch in a truly blissful sleep.
(i didn't understand how my husband could just lay on the couch and take a nap so easy as the world keeps spinning,chores are growing and life keeps going....... today was the day I connected with him. I understand NOW.
it was extremely easy to listen to my eye lids and be influenced, persuaded, somewhat seduced into my couch and into the forbidden nap.
whatever time i've spent thinking, planning, watching, sleeping, worrying, talking, yelling, cooking, cleaning, hugging, kissing, washing, drying, calling, asking, shooting, feeding, driving, walking, riding... nothing compares to the time my maker allowed me to spend with my Danny and my babies.
I realized no matter whats happening, no matter how busy I get, how overwhelmed i feel, in every situation, I want my hands, feet, thoughts, mind, heart and words to be those of God. To reflect the love he has for me and the love I for him. I can keep spending when I have God as my main,ultimate resource. I can't spend enough time being grateful and sooooo thankful for the blessings he pours out on me. even the blessing of being spent.
After all he has spent WAY more time on me ....
....and he hasn't even taken his nap yet.
the time i spent on the phone with a crazy, psycho, low balling, money ransoming, creepy Iranian voice box, stalker calling guy.
the time i spent with the police.
the time i spent a nervous wreck.
the time i spent at the desert.
the time i spent watching, not just my boys ride but my girl too.
the time i spent spending time with family.
the time i spent seeing, and planning new photo shoot locations.
the time i spent trying to recover on Monday from being spent over the weekend.
i was spent from watching 2 extra kids this week.
spent from planning for some upcoming events.
spent because i knew i hadn't spent enough time on doing other things that needed to be done... spent just thinking about them.
today i couldn't help it.
i spent a good 2 hours on the couch in a truly blissful sleep.
(i didn't understand how my husband could just lay on the couch and take a nap so easy as the world keeps spinning,chores are growing and life keeps going....... today was the day I connected with him. I understand NOW.
it was extremely easy to listen to my eye lids and be influenced, persuaded, somewhat seduced into my couch and into the forbidden nap.
whatever time i've spent thinking, planning, watching, sleeping, worrying, talking, yelling, cooking, cleaning, hugging, kissing, washing, drying, calling, asking, shooting, feeding, driving, walking, riding... nothing compares to the time my maker allowed me to spend with my Danny and my babies.
I realized no matter whats happening, no matter how busy I get, how overwhelmed i feel, in every situation, I want my hands, feet, thoughts, mind, heart and words to be those of God. To reflect the love he has for me and the love I for him. I can keep spending when I have God as my main,ultimate resource. I can't spend enough time being grateful and sooooo thankful for the blessings he pours out on me. even the blessing of being spent.
After all he has spent WAY more time on me ....
....and he hasn't even taken his nap yet.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
SORELLA
hawaiian -> sœur ...Spanish -> hermana ....Italian -> sorella
Finnish -> sisko .....Swedish -> syster ....Japanese -> imoto
english -> sister......
my sister is my right arm.
and my left arm.
i can't imagine my life without her.
her presence takes me back to a childhood I never had.
a childhood I ache for my kids to have.
her goofiness, vunerability, silliness, and honest heart makes me feel myself....
helps me remember who I am.... where i come from.... where i belong.
her tears and laughter reassures me she's real.
my tears are because she's real.
God designed such a divine, genius plan for the both of us to be made sisters.
for the both of us to have such an inseparable bond with him as our foundation.
Our relationship as sisters started the minute God planned us that way.
our relationship as sisters has been years in the making.
our relationship as sisters is unshakable, indestructible, indescribable.
my sister has always been my sister through any space, time or distance.
and no space, time or distance can ever change that.
she is me and I am her.
i've got her back and she has mine.
she drives me home when its late, i pick her up when its early.
we share clothes, thoughts, drinks, food, makeup, ideas, candy, movies, cd's, tanning oil,
pillow, blanket, chairs, shoes.
**we DO NOT share bordeaux from See's candy. we just DON'T. something we know neither of us will tolerate as sisters.**
but more importantly we share DNA. and to me that means **Don't **Never **Assume youcomebeforemysister.
Sisters
Sisters
There were never such devoted sisters
Never had to have a chaperone "No, sir"
I'm there to keep my eye on her
Caring
Sharing
Every little thing that we are wearing
When a certain gentleman arrived from Rome
She wore the dress and I stayed home
All kinds of weather
We stick together
The same in the rain or sun
Two diff'rent faces
But in tight places
We think and we act as one
Those who've
Seen us
Know that not a thing could come between us....
**
I can't look down the road, at the end of the tunnel, toward the future and not see you there. it's as unatural as waking up before 8 am. **
xxoo I love you too mush El.
xxoo Sissy
Monday, April 5, 2010
xxoo
I have to get this off my chest.
because inside my chest my heart is breaking for someone.
someone I don't even know. someone I've never met.
someone I only know of through cyber space universe.
She lost her son.
her baby son.
my heart truly cries for her. and so do my eyes.
for her family. it just weeps for their loss.
i cant fathom what kind of emptiness. what void.
I am overjoyed she has such a strong family. strong faith. strong hope.
but her loss rocks me to my very core. her loss makes me hold my babies tighter.
her loss makes me shake my head and breaks my heart.
she reminds everyone that her loss is also her gain.
which makes me cry harder, in heartbreak and happiness, that she is so strong.
I pray that God pours his love into every hole, nook, cranny and crack where she feels a void.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am so joyful for your faith.
xxoo
because inside my chest my heart is breaking for someone.
someone I don't even know. someone I've never met.
someone I only know of through cyber space universe.
She lost her son.
her baby son.
my heart truly cries for her. and so do my eyes.
for her family. it just weeps for their loss.
i cant fathom what kind of emptiness. what void.
I am overjoyed she has such a strong family. strong faith. strong hope.
but her loss rocks me to my very core. her loss makes me hold my babies tighter.
her loss makes me shake my head and breaks my heart.
she reminds everyone that her loss is also her gain.
which makes me cry harder, in heartbreak and happiness, that she is so strong.
I pray that God pours his love into every hole, nook, cranny and crack where she feels a void.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am so joyful for your faith.
xxoo
buy it already!
Im the girl who puts a hundred things in her cart. starts her walk to the registers and starts taking stuff out. I talk myself out of things. I'm NO TORIOUS for doing this.
going through the store it sounds like.....
"oh i like that. i like this.. oooooo. that is sooooo adorable. uh yeah! i could totally put that there. mmmmhmmmm the boys would LOVE that. Danny's gonna kill me."
walking to the register it sounds like.....
"uh.. i don't really need that. if i get this then I'll have to buy that and then it won't really be the bargain I was originally pulled in to buy it for. I can just sub what i already have for this. I can totally make that at home. Danny will kill me if i buy that."
I'm a 'talker outer'
My sister insists.. 'JUST BUY IT ALREADY!'
but i can't. I do this with everything. I talk myself out of it.
When i went to have my kids ( been pregnant 5 times & have 4 children) each time I was pregnant on my way to delivery or what not, I was talking myself out of it.
**little late for that doncha think**
looking for a way to get out of it. to put it back on the shelf or hang it back on the rack.??
imma chicken. big chicken. the yellow stripe down my back clashes with everything I wear.
but thinking back..... there were times were I wasn't hesitant. times that I never second guessed myself or my purchase. three times in specific.
1) the day I married my Danny.
(we've both second guessed some things since then)... but never the day I walked down that short isle in my jeans and said " i do ". I remember that day and there was never an analyze or a scrutinize or a second guess occupying the tiniest corner of my head or heart.
2) my faith in God. He has proved me too many times over for me to ever doubt him. I'm suprised he didn't second guess me when he put me in his shopping cart.
3) the day I first tasted a bordeaux egg from See's Candy shoppe.
I over analyze everything and then the extra stuff that comes with everything. I am a prisoner to my own scrutiny. I just need to 'buy it already!'
I believe God is at work in my life, and in the life of my family & friends. I'm so grateful God didn't put me me back on the shelf, or hang be back on the rack. Im so humbled that he bought me with the ultimate price.
the majority of my purchases come from the 'CLEARANCE RACK'. God didn't wait for this second guessing over analyzing nervous laugher to go on clearance.
** God bought me at full price.**
time for me to look at God's purchase, pattern myself after that, and just 'buy it already!'
going through the store it sounds like.....
"oh i like that. i like this.. oooooo. that is sooooo adorable. uh yeah! i could totally put that there. mmmmhmmmm the boys would LOVE that. Danny's gonna kill me."
walking to the register it sounds like.....
"uh.. i don't really need that. if i get this then I'll have to buy that and then it won't really be the bargain I was originally pulled in to buy it for. I can just sub what i already have for this. I can totally make that at home. Danny will kill me if i buy that."
I'm a 'talker outer'
My sister insists.. 'JUST BUY IT ALREADY!'
but i can't. I do this with everything. I talk myself out of it.
When i went to have my kids ( been pregnant 5 times & have 4 children) each time I was pregnant on my way to delivery or what not, I was talking myself out of it.
**little late for that doncha think**
looking for a way to get out of it. to put it back on the shelf or hang it back on the rack.??
imma chicken. big chicken. the yellow stripe down my back clashes with everything I wear.
but thinking back..... there were times were I wasn't hesitant. times that I never second guessed myself or my purchase. three times in specific.
1) the day I married my Danny.
(we've both second guessed some things since then)... but never the day I walked down that short isle in my jeans and said " i do ". I remember that day and there was never an analyze or a scrutinize or a second guess occupying the tiniest corner of my head or heart.
2) my faith in God. He has proved me too many times over for me to ever doubt him. I'm suprised he didn't second guess me when he put me in his shopping cart.
3) the day I first tasted a bordeaux egg from See's Candy shoppe.
I over analyze everything and then the extra stuff that comes with everything. I am a prisoner to my own scrutiny. I just need to 'buy it already!'
I believe God is at work in my life, and in the life of my family & friends. I'm so grateful God didn't put me me back on the shelf, or hang be back on the rack. Im so humbled that he bought me with the ultimate price.
the majority of my purchases come from the 'CLEARANCE RACK'. God didn't wait for this second guessing over analyzing nervous laugher to go on clearance.
** God bought me at full price.**
time for me to look at God's purchase, pattern myself after that, and just 'buy it already!'
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