be still

I dont know how to start this blog accept to just warn you it will be a long one.

I went to a place over the weekend that took me back.
took me back to a place that overwhelmed me. One memory right after the next.
no time to breathe in between.
Memories my mind could process.
Memories my heart couldn't.
Memories that stripped me down.
memories I thought i had forgotten about or supressed.
memories I couldn't fight. I crumbled a bit.
I had to be still or I would've crumbled completely.

I saw places that made me feel a child.
places that made me feel like a teenager.
places that made me feel cheated, insecure, vunerable, triumphant, reflective.
I was flooded.
I had to be still to feel them.

the places I saw... the places i felt ... showed me how far I've come. How hard I've worked. what i've endured. what was taken. what was given.
I would have never imagined where Im at now would've have been apart of God's plan for me 15 years ago. 20 years ago. ever.
God is working. I have to be still to feel God's presence in my life.

the lump in my throat was in charge. some things can't be fought back no matter how hard you work to fight them.
in a way i welcomed the feelings that came with the memories i'd worked so hard to fight away.
the air felt so thick. my heart felt so heavy. my heart might explode. it might explode right out of my chest.
all I can do is be still.

so wrapped up in what once was that I cant tell if there are more happy memories than the ones that make me feel pain. they all blur together. it reminds me of whats missing. what was missing for so long. what could have been. i almost feel a tinge of anger but then another memory comes hurling at me before i have a chance to catch my breath.
I am driving, sitting, standing, crying, smiling, laughing ... aware of all my senses but so much more aware of my heart. its louder than anything I can tune in to.
when is the lump in my throat going to go away? will it ever? I am almost content with the lump staying there. it reminds me. reminds me of what i have to be thankful for.
it reminds me to be still.

and then I hear....
i thought if i could touch this place or feel it this brokedness inside me might start healing. out here its like im someone else. i thought maybe i could find myself. if i could walk around i swear i'll leave. the memories that built me.

all this. all this and i feel so many things I can't describe or label.
all this and at the same time i feel so weak but so strong.
these places call my name like they've known me all my life. i know them. but somethings have changed. I don't feel the need to have to get back to the person I was. and that makes me feel good.
the past helps me look towards the future. how so many pages are still unwritten. all this shows me God's divine planning is all powerful and all purposefull.
he wants me to be still.

one trip, one town, down a couple streets,visit a few places, makes me feel all over the map. and then at second glance makes me realize how NOT all over the map I am anymore. the bigger picture makes me feel grounded now compared to then. everything has made me. how thankful. how aware. how still.

my places to be still.

I am sure everytime I drive in that neighborhood, everytime I pass those streets, everytime I see those places I will always go back. i feel i have started new chapters in my life but that door will never completely be closed. a door that has been wide open, half way open or just cracked open... but never completely shut. I believe God has designed it to be that way. those places combined with my life now makes something so great.. so real that its indescribably awesome times infinity.

& when Im still.... extremely still ...... everything makes perfect sense.