the 4th

I always knew the 4th of July was coming, not only by the dates on the calendar, but when the construction of firework stands started on or around my birthday..

I was never allowed to set off my own fireworks.
My Grandpa did it for me, or my Dad, or my one of my Uncles or one of my boy cousins.
They all got to have the fun of playing with matches like they were professional pyro-technic firework operators...???

The women got to sit and watch. Which was nice .... until I reached a certain age & wanted to light the fireworks myself.
no...i didnt beg to light the M80's because I knew that wasnt going to happen.
I wanted to light the little fireworks from the family value pack we bought from the firework stand because I was realistic.

I did do sparklers. I used to write my name on the sidewalk and in the air with the glow of the sparkler..... didn't everyone?

the guys in my family used to run into the garage, grab a hammer and beat the snot outta the piccolo peets so the peets were flat inthe middle ... when they lit them they would scream and then POP really loud... everyone cheered when it popped.

After we were done with our own fireworks at home we would all climb up the latter to the top of the roof.. some sat on top of cars, and watched Knotts Berry Farm set their fireworks off.

I particularlly liked going to cerrritos college stadium the night before the 4th. not pay admission to sit in the stadium but park, our '56 chevy truck with the camper, in the cerritos college parking lot, setting up lawn chairs and taking our old styrafoam coolers with bologna sandwiches and soda pop.

I make new memories with my own family now. we watch a firework show together over a beautiful lake. We set fireworks off together. We eat barbeque together, celebrate each other and the blessings we have to be free. Much like the excitement and awe you feel when watching the grand finale of a firework show is the same feeling I'm over come with when I look around and see the faces lit up of the ones I love.

29 years of..

I didn't know when I was 4 years old, when this picture was taken, that I would be here at 29, married for over 10 years, been through 5 pregnancies, had 4 of those babies, and overcome and acheive so many things I never thought were possible.

I have been alive, just shy, for 3 decades.
I remember when I was 7 or 8. I couldn't wait to be in the double digits.. 10
I remember when I was 10 or 11. I couldn't wait to be a teenager.... 13
I remember when I was 13 or 14. I couldn't wait to be older & have more freedom..16
I remember when I was 16. I coudln't wait to be an adult and do what I wanted....18
I remember when I was 18. I had my first child.
Every other birthday I had seemed to speed by. Like it was a dragster at the county raceway.

but whenI went to bed last night.... i couldn't sleep.
I thought maybe I had stayed up too late on the computer and thats why i coudn't fall asleep.
I thought my brain was running with so many things that I wanted to do.... NEEDED to do that it wouldn't turn off and thats why I couldn't fall asleep.
I kept thinking of people I loved and people I missed at that very second... maybe thats why I coudln't go to sleep.
Then there was the dog barking outside from the neighbors house... perhaps that was why I couldn't fall asleep.

After considering all of this.....i realized................I was excited.
Excited to wake up and be 29. Excited to start a new year in the skin of a 29 year old.Excited to think of all the possibilities, opportunities, and memories I would make as a 29 year old.

Excited to think that God knew 29 years ago where I would be and the kind of excitement he would create in me for being where I am and who I am today.

excited that 29 years of blessing isn't all he has planned for me.

livin' the dream

when I can look at a photograph of family that's not mine and I'm not related to in any way and get goosebumps and wanna cry...... I know Im livin' my dream

thought..

I drove to Corona yesterday to get a burrito.
thought about the cost of gas.

pulled up weeds yesterday
thought about certain family memebers.

felt the hot sun on my back
thought about getting a good tan ... then thought about skin cancer

ran through the sprinkler with my kids
thought about my childhood

did a cartwheel
thought of a hospital bill.

did another carwheel
thought I was invincible.

sat on our patio and chomped on popsicles with my babies
thought about ants

saw the popsicle juice running down everyones hands and smiling faces
didnt care about the thought of ants anymore.

laid on a beachtowel on the grass in the shade looking up at the trees in my backyard
thought about how much i wished time would slow down

went to the grocery store with the kids to pick some stuff up for dinner
thought about how one day they'll ask if they can stay home while *I* go to the store

went to bed at 11pm by myself
thought about how much I missed the smell of Danny laying next to me.

opened the window before I went to sleep...felt the cool breeze & listened to the frogs outside
thought about God and his infinite blessings on this family.

extraordinarily normal

I stuck my feet in the cool sand.
i listened to the waves.
I wiggled my toes in the ocean water.
i photographed a family.
i looked back at those photos of a family that isn't mine and it brought tears to my eyes.

i saw my Danny mow the lawn before he had to go to work at night.
I watched my kids swim and do back flips off the diving board.
I saw Scotty push keys on an adult sized piano and move his head back and forth like Stevie Wonder.
I ate barbeque in honor of my father and the father of my children.
i mopped up on smothered bbq ribs, homemade potatoe salad & Danny's elote.
I swept my floor, did the laundry, kept an empty sink of dishes, swept the dirt and leaves from the backyard, planted some herbs, and straightened my hair for no reason.
pretty normal stuff, if I do say so myself. extraordinarily normal.

somewhere over the rainbow

how would you know how much I love you?
there aren't enough words in enough multiple languages to make you know how much you are loved. how much my heart aches because you'll never ever fully know the magnitude of my love for you.

are there rules how to love someone?
if so, who makes them?
I always thought God made the rules.
1Corinthians 13 tells me how to love.
challenges me to love more than I love you now..
and to love the people I don't.


I was taugh the meaning of love meant you would die for someone.
its SO MUCH MORE.
while laying down your life for someone is noble and honorable.....
loving unconditionally while your alive is harder.
feeling the beats of your heart... knowing who each beat is for.
naming each beat for each person you love.
naming off each breath of air after the ones you love.

what if I loved someone so much it could hurt them?
if my love were a weight, a boulder, a rock... it would crush them to death.

if my love were a hug it would squeeze the life right out of them.

what if I loved someone so much it didnt make sense.
if it borderlined banana farm worthy

what if the way I loved someone only made sense somewhere over the rainbow.

where anything was possible.
where my love was beautiful no matter how I showed it.
despite my flaws, dents, dings, imperfections, loud mouth, eye rolls, hand gestures, insensitive things i've ever said.

where my love mattered to you inspite of what you thought or how you thought i should show it.
where my love spilled out unconditionally in a way you never thought possible.
where you could count the stars and get tired of counting... thats my love in stars.
where quiet was louder & more powerful than anything I could ever say to explain how much I love you.
deafening silence is my love.

anything that grabs you and envelops you... entrenches you... takes you to a new place in your life. ... new chapters.... new experiences...when you feel down & out, or on could 9, when you feel like your drowing, when your short of breath... the warm blanket when its cold.... the cool breeze on a hot smmer day... the water that quenches your thirst, your umbrella in a downpour, the rainboots when your up to your knees in water, when you can't stop crying, when you can't stop that ugly face when your crying.....
THATS ME LOVING YOU.

whatever way I chose to express my love to you ...what ever way I say it....
you would recognize it was my love. it would be distinctive and unmistakable. because I love like nobody else.
and you.....................................
are nobody else.

RozzyStar

I saw a 35 lb. chicken sing her lungs out.
i saw her flap her arms, cluck like a farm animal, dance and boogie like a funky chicken.....
but most importantly I saw this chicken spread her wings.

I saw her discover a whole new world beyond anything like she's ever seen.
I saw her work as a team. as an individual. I saw her be a leader and be apart of the group. I saw her practice, hard work and dedication. I saw her reap the benefits of her commitment to excellence.
I saw her take a bow with pride. I saw her make new friends and say goodbye to old ones. I cried.

like normal.

there is something about dangerously excited singing children singing in unison that just gets me...... right here.

especially when my toothless 5 year old daugher is one of those children.
My RozzyStar shines so bright I have tears in my eyes.

Summer

Summer smells like chlorine.
sunblock. hawaiian tropic suntan oil.
smells like the smoke from the bbq and tastes like charred hotdogs. mmmm my favorite.
it feels warm and sweaty in the crease of my arm... my hair of my face and Rozzy's hair in a messy bun.
summer feels like the cool breeze on a hot day and a cold glass of iced tea thats been sitting at my Mom's house.
It feels like the comfort of a linen tablecloth outside on the picnic table.
it tastes like the oranges and tangerines from my Mom's fruit trees inthe back yard. It looks & smells like the citrus juice running down the boys chins and arms.
It's Scotty running around in a water diaper and popscicle juice dripping everywhere.
Summer is the worry for ants.
It looks like sandy buttcracks and sand dusted feet.
feels like the shade of the umbrella and the coziness of a towel when you get out of the ocean.
Summer feels good with long evenings.dinner on the patio as the sunset seems to last forever.
Summer sounds like my babies laughing, Danny asking me to cut a watermelon, or pineapple and sprinklers. it sounds like the waves crashing at the beach. the sound of people on thier beach cruisers ringing their little bells to pass you by.
Summer looks like barefeet... and feels like paradise to walk on nice cushy green grass... its a blanket in the shade reading a book to your kids while the baby takes a nap. Its taking ice out of the ice molds from the freezer.
its a double or triple scoop ice cream from Thrifty's in a waffle cone. The icecream is bigger than the kids.
Summer is vacation Bible school .... learning how to be more faithful servants for our creator.
Summer is floaties and diving boards. It's NO RUNNING... its "should I make them wear water shoes?"
Summer is being able to touch the bottom in the deep end and then pushing yourself back up to the surface without loosing all your breath.
its about seeing how long your can hold your breath.
Summer is early mornings and strong cups of coffee... big breakfasts.
Summer is when we have about 3/4 of our family birthdays.
Summer is fire safety for the 4th of July.....its when you go broke trying to afford fireworks. and literally watching your money burn away.
its when you have one of the biggest worries of one of your kids catching themselves or each other on fire.
Summer is when Grandma & Papa get the beach house. Summer sounds like the wooden floor planks creaking and looks like curtains blowing in from the breeze.
its boogie boards and skim boards, sand toys & sand castles.
Summer is warm nights for star gazing.
Summer is the season where a lot of bees, mosquitos, & flys die at my house.
its when we plug in the white Christmas lights on the backyard patio and turn the radio up a little bit.
its when we put our garden flowers in a school made clay vase, Seth made, every week.
Summer is a season we don't wait for Thanksgiving or the fall to be thankful.
Summer is a 10pm or 11pm bed time.
we are so thankful for Summer & for each other

I know what that feels like...

I thought about death yesterday.
I thought about it last night.
I felt like crying just thinking that I might leave the people I love behind.
i cried more and tensed up thinking about you leaving me.
because i know what that feels like.

I know what it feels like to feel that you have no reason to live.
to feel that your not afraid to die. nothing matters.
it takes too much focus to even eat.
too much concentration to change my clothes or shower.
when your body and your heart feel like they are swimming in wet cement.
it hurts to move.
everything your eyes touch find you in IT. everything your ears hear only hears you.

I know what it feels like for your heart to be raw around the edges.
raw on the inside.
pounded with a meat tenderizer.
numb.
numb to anything and everything except to the pain of the memory of the person you can't breathe without.
the way it feels frantically searching for a place where you can get more of the person that no longer exsists.. to try and get as much of them as possible to make them feel real again. to make it feel like your imagination is behaving badly.
the feeling you get when your gasping for air because your tears & thoughts are coming faster than you can breathe in and out.
I know that feeling.
I turn inside out when I think of my life without you.
I don't know how to turn my anxiety off.
I don't know how to get a good,full, deep breath anticipating the outcome.
beause i know what that feels like.
it feels like the black hole is never ending.
it feels like you can get comfortable in the blackness.
because it hurts too much to try and get comfortable anywhere else.
because you are everywhere else.
please don't leave me. and I won't leave you.
because i know what that feels like.

bittersweetness

So many things have happened over the last month.
so many exciting things. New experiences, old faces, familiar feelings.
glimpses into the future, reminders of the past... the bittersweetness of today.

My Mom's birthday came. we celebrated in a beautiful park in Irvine California.
her birthday was on cinco de mayo day. double celebration.

Went on the last kindergarten field trip my daugher will ever have. saw baby animals at the farm. experienced the circle of life of baby animals with their mama animals with my circle of life who weighs 43 pounds and had a ponytail in her hair.

Seth's birthday was 3 days after Mom's. He turned 10. It was a BIG deal.
celebrated at the beach with family.

Mothers day crept up on us and so did my dishes and laundry.

rode a school bus down to oceanside with Seth's 4th grade class and had one of the most emotional experiences visiting Mission San Luis Rey. then had a near death experience on the way home from the field trip ...from a full blown allergy attack.

worked on portraits. taking, traveling, editing.
then worked my way through a few sore throats and fevers.

Met up with some girlfriends that stand the test of times. Had dimsum with my girls and introduced my Mom to some of my friends. (something I've always dreamed of doing) ..truly something I've always wanted to do.

Watched one of Danny's dreams come true to buy a dirtbike for our boys. I witnessed ten years of waxing and waning and thinking, and proposing, worrying, and excitement all come together when Danny rolled that bike outta the bed of the truck and watched his boys faces light up like Christmas trees. I watched Danny's light up even brighter.

drove to the desert, spent time with family, made memories, saw the boys make friends, and develop a new level of trust with their Dad.

bbq'd with family and watched Danny put all his love and care into making food for our family and watched them return it back to Danny by raving about how good it was. Watched Danny soak it up.

held back tears when I saw my daughter graduate from Kindergarten, and pictured her graduation on a much larger scale.... as in highschool and college.

bursted with pride to see Seth so proud of himself for getting student of the month award. then I wondered if i showed him enough how much I love him and if he truly knows how proud of him I am.

Laughed at the kids playing together in the sprinklers, slipping and sliding then falling. cracked up at Scotty trying to drink from the sprinklers and take his water diaper off. laughed harder at my baby sister run around naked after a day of swimming.

cried my eyes out and let the lump in my throat have complete reign.
i didn't fight it. tears are soaking up my shirt even as I type this out.... as I am reminded of how awesomely God has blessed me & my family... soaked with salty tears as I know I can't keep it like this forever.

bittersweet.