I know what that feels like...

I thought about death yesterday.
I thought about it last night.
I felt like crying just thinking that I might leave the people I love behind.
i cried more and tensed up thinking about you leaving me.
because i know what that feels like.

I know what it feels like to feel that you have no reason to live.
to feel that your not afraid to die. nothing matters.
it takes too much focus to even eat.
too much concentration to change my clothes or shower.
when your body and your heart feel like they are swimming in wet cement.
it hurts to move.
everything your eyes touch find you in IT. everything your ears hear only hears you.

I know what it feels like for your heart to be raw around the edges.
raw on the inside.
pounded with a meat tenderizer.
numb.
numb to anything and everything except to the pain of the memory of the person you can't breathe without.
the way it feels frantically searching for a place where you can get more of the person that no longer exsists.. to try and get as much of them as possible to make them feel real again. to make it feel like your imagination is behaving badly.
the feeling you get when your gasping for air because your tears & thoughts are coming faster than you can breathe in and out.
I know that feeling.
I turn inside out when I think of my life without you.
I don't know how to turn my anxiety off.
I don't know how to get a good,full, deep breath anticipating the outcome.
beause i know what that feels like.
it feels like the black hole is never ending.
it feels like you can get comfortable in the blackness.
because it hurts too much to try and get comfortable anywhere else.
because you are everywhere else.
please don't leave me. and I won't leave you.
because i know what that feels like.