birthdays

every night when my kids go to bed, I usually sneak a peak at them to make sure everyone is covered up, nothing is on the floor obstructing a pathway, pillows are under their heads, and the bathroom night light is on.

I happen to catch a glimpse of their little faces and hands and remember when they used to seem so much smaller. when all they could fit into their teeny tiny hand was my finger.

I could hold them & cradle them in my arms, rock them back and forth and press my cheek next to theirs. take the bottom of my chin and trace the outline of their forehead down to their nose.

but on the night before their birthday, when they go to sleep, waiting to turn the next magical number, I look at them differently.
I look a little longer.
and I cry a little more.
I recall the date and time they were born.
I remember how I felt when I first held them...
I remember their first few weeks of their life..... and how I didn't know it would pass so quickly.
I linger a little more that night. I try and sneak a kiss and a trace of their forehead and nose with the bottom of my chin without waking them up.

I stand in their doorway quietly, trying not to let my tears make too much noise, in astonishment they have grown so fast. I think about all the things I want for them, and then cry more tears knowing the clock is still ticking.

despite the tears...
birthdays are so much fun around here... they are so exciting...
they are always supremely sweet with birthday cake, ice cream & family.

its just the night before the big day that tears me apart.