"smoke"

i was thinking the other day about my childhood.
what it felt like to be a kid.
then i thought about how old I was.
28 doesn't seem the age i feel every morning I wake up.
how did I get to 28? and why don't i feel it?
Im still the 4 year old girl who jumps waves at the beach.
who sits on her Grandpa's shoulders, and eats lunch in the camper at the beach.
the girl who rides her beach cruiser down the middle of the street with no hands.

where did i come from?
because where Im at now doesn't reflect the childhood I had.
doesn't reflect the people that were there.
as much as I want to remember and identify with something or a family I knew growing up .
I can't.
Its faded.
Like smoke. thick, in your face, choking you up, making me cough, burning my eyes and then it slowly fades away. my syptoms fade, and the air is clear again, but the smoke is still in my clothes.
if you've been around smoke all your life you know it's hard to wash the smoke out of your clothes. It takes time. and time. and time....and time again to get the smell out.. and even then.... its never completely out of the fibers.

Eventually you just learn the smell.

you cant smell it anymore.

its apart of you.


You think you've washed it way but its there..... and you don't know its there until your around someone who doesn't smoke and they ask you "whats that smell?"

someone brings it to your attention that your different. and then you realize its the smoke. the smoke you thought was gone.
you know smoke isn't good for you but you live with it because its who you are, its all you know. or at least you think the smoke is who you are.
Eventually you start smoking too.
but then you find out that smoke kills. second hand smoke kills. smoke is a form of poison. you stop smoking. no more smoke. but smoke lingers.
and you wake up one morning and realize "im still breathing in the smoke"

back when I was a kid it was okay to smoke around me.the adults back then, in my life, didn't think twice about lighting up. no one really knew the harmful effects it could have.

that it would have.

but now I know.
I know that smoke sneaks up on you, and wraps itself around you when you're not even looking. It travels. It affects other people you love and care for. It has no mercy. it always invites you back with the same poison it got you with the first time, and it never has anything better to offer.
I'm glad I kicked the habit. because I don't live my life in a thick smokey cloud of haze anymore.

i love you to tears

I heard in church this weekend "with every hurt, pain, every heartbreak is an opportunity for gain. it stuck with me. that penetrated my epidermis and is apart of me now.

Scotty is done with the baby oatmeal. he does NOT want it. i feel bad cause its a big box. i can't eat it. funny... ill feed something to my baby i wont eat myself. what kind of mom am I? im emotional. he wants big boy food. which we give to him but still... he still ate some baby foods. he's over it. i just brought him home from the hospital yesterday. didn't I? his little hand touches my face and smears my tear across my cheek.

Seth brought up a reading grade from a C to a B and found out he's getting student of the month. I've never seen him so proud of himself. there's a sense of beaming pride and accomplishment in his eyes. I can't top that feeling I get because he feels that. because i can see it. because i don't want him to see my cry or he'll start crying too. his heart is so good. i cry more.

Shane is so snuggly. my heart melts because he still wants to snuggle. i cant help but well up with tears just sitting on the couch with Shane sharing a blanket feeling his little hand in mine. i dont want him to see me cry. he'll think something is wrong. and when I try to explain Im crying because im happy... it makes him feel weird. so i hide it. as best as i can. but i think he knows i don't have anything in my eye.

Rozzy dances. she's in a play ... a big play for the entire school. she's a farm animal. a chicken. and she's the best darn chicken they've got. its so funny to watch her sing and dance while she moves her little toothpick body around. toothLESS by the way. she reminds me too much of myself. i've gotta look away because my eyes are too watery. she'll call me out and ask why im crying. so hard to explain to a 5 year old girl just trying to get her chicken on.

Danny... Danny just makes me laugh UNTIL i cry. but i drop a tear or two when he leaves too ... when he packs up his stuff and leaves outta town. i cry too much when that happens.

my calendar is ready to jump off the wall and throw its self in the trash. it's gotten plenty of ink the last few days. i cry thinking abouthow fast these days are gonna go by. will i remember these things if they are going by so fast? I've only got 8 more summers left with Seth. 9 more for Shane, 12 more with Rozzy and 17 more for Scotty. only that many more summers before they can run off and do their own thing during the summer.

i believe the whole point of this blog is to let you know I cry too much... and realizing that i should invest in some kleenex...
Danny. Seth. Shane. Rozlynn. Scotty. I love you so much it makes me cry. I love you to tears. xo Mom

Upgrade

I drove around this weekend.
to yard sales. my mom's house. to church.
a seafood restaurant. a location for a photo session.
to the nail salon.
sometime i drove by myself. sometimes i drove with family in the car.
everywhere i drove i noticed little things. little upgrades. big upgrades.
things changed. things were different. things kinda looked the same but weren't. some things were compeletely transformed.
i know that's supposed to happen.
things break down. deteriorate. get ugly.
upgrades put them back together. pick them up. make them pretty.

I couldn't help but feel this weekend..... that God is my upgrade.

the fight

I fight the urge to just sit.
i fight the urge to go back to bed.
i fight the urge to neglect my kids.
i fight the urge to cuss up a storm ( and then sometimes i don't)
i fight the urge to want to be pregnant again.
i fight the urge to tell someone how i really feel.
i fight the urge to yell at my kids (not enough)
i fight the urge to cry
i fight the urge to eat really bad things for my body (again.... not enough)
i fight the urge to take a nap EVERYDAY..
i fight the urge to just let my kids buy lunch everyday instead of make it for them.
i fight the urge to let the toys everywhere make me crazy.
i fight the urge to let the laundry sit in baskets for days after they've been outta the dryer.
i fight the urge to let my kids have cookies, candy and soda.
i fight the urge to skip brushing my teeth today.
i fight the urge to just leave it.. i'll get it later.
i fight the urge to spend our life savings on camera equipment & scrapbooking supplies.
i fight the urge to cut someone with my words.
i fight the urge to be sarcastic at a level 10... but not at a level 4 or 5.
I fight the urge to think about myself only.
i fight the urge to embarass someone i feel needs it.
i fight the urge to not feel that.
i fight the urge to re-arrange my furniture every 2 months.
i fight the urge to drink or smoke myself into a coma.
i fight the urge to laugh at someone else's expense.
i fight the urge to make decisions other people don't want me to make.. so i can please them.
I fight the urge to be resentful for that.
i fight the urge to treat my kids everytime they do something incredible. (which is all the time for me)
i fight the urge to laugh at something my kids do or say when i should be serious.
i fight the urge to just pick up my camera and walk out the door.
i fight the urge to sing in the car and drown out the voices of my kids.
i fight the urge to not get dressed in the morning.
i fight the urge to pick up my baby everytime he wants me to pick him up.
i fight the urge to not read my bible and to pray... to just go to sleep and forget about it.
i fight the urge to sleep in on Sundays and for go church.
i fight the urge to spend a ridiculous amount of money or things i deem necessary.

i look at all these things and urges i fight and its nothing. its nothing compared to what others wake up and fight.
death.
addiction.
famine.
poverty.
estranged from family.
molestation.
rape.
so many other things that make the things that i wake up and fight every morning look like apple pie and ponies. I am so thankful these are the only things i feel i have to fight. because whats my baggage compared to someone else that has something so much more serious to fight???

the list part II

list part II
back to my list....

im a daughter
I'm a wife.
I'm a sister.
I'm a mother (whoa... that one holds some weight)
Im organized (by my own definition)
Im an analyzer
a scrutinizer
an over-eater.
im a picture fanatic.
im a compulsive closet & cabiniet cleaner (just to put back the things my heart can't let go of)
Im a babysitter (for someone elses kids)
im a volunteer (who doesn't always want to honor her commitments)
Im a scrapbooker that's unfaithful to scrapbooking.
Im a dweller.
im a complainer that tries to camoflauge it as venting.
Im a Starbucks addict (always waiting for that free coffee I get from using my albertson's card)
im a spender.
Im a shopper.
im a sleeper that doesn't get enough sleep for someone who considers herself a sleeper.
Im a friend.. who's not sure who her own friends are.
im a defender.
Im a prosecutor in my own right.
I say i like to "debate" but not as much as I just like a good hearty arguement.
Im insecure.
Im not a good liar (or so i've been told)
I don't save $$ the way I should.
I get angry and wanna hit someone.
Im a morning person ( but no one knows it)
I strongly dislike cleaning the baby's highchair.
Im gonna add to this later..

bandersnatch

I had so many things to write about a couple days ago but as life would have I wasn't able to get to my computer and get it out. Sounds simple. Get your computer out. Turn it on. Go to your blog. Let it flow. turns out...............NOT SO EASY.
someone wants a snack or its dinner time or someone (which we can all easily figure out) is playing in the toliet. Someone needs a towel. There's a kid knocking on my door while "someone", with glasses and long hair, is having a melt down. whatever the reason, im blessed that i even have these reasons... but in the same breath i just want to sit down and type my thoughts out. WHAT. THE. HECK!

trying to remember those thoughts or feelings & me typing about them now doesn't hold the same weight as it would've if i typed about it when i was feeling it. BOOOOOOOO!HISSSSSSSSS!
from what thoughts,days ago,are strong enough for me to remember now....
i saw the ocean..
i saw a glimpse of my Dad in Seth.
I saw Rozzy smile.... didn't see any teeth.

I went to a church that was built in 1811. I cried.
I saw the faith of these people that built the church, in their craftmanship, their detail, their artwork.
I cried. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it now.
The dedication, determination and passion they had to build something they may never see finished. It was amazingly, phenomenally, **beautiful** and holy ... there is something that goes beyond the architecture of the building that adds to my life.

I heard someone knocking on the door inside the baby's room. ????? It was the baby and he had climed out of his crib.
I sighed a sigh that sounded like "crap".

I had an allergy attack on a bus full of 4th graders.
I saw my life flash before my eyes.

I saw things that other people have seen.
i saw things that i see everday. somethings i don't.
I saw them take on new meanings.
I still struggle. with things that shouldn't matter. things that matter regarding people that are completely oblivious to the matter at all.
I saw 12 a.m. way too many times this week.
I saw my house get dirty in double the time it usually takes to get dirty.
I got scared.
I got judged. I got angry for feeling like i was being judged.
I wanted to jump on this persons back and scratch their eyes out for having the time and luxury to spend with their family... when i should have been happy for them.
I saw Danny's love through a shoe rack.
I saw Danny leave. I built a mountain outta damp tissues because he'll have to go.
because we'll have to do what we always do while everyone else sits around and does nothing.
I saw my ego and it's huge. It's chained up on a leash in the backyard like the bandersnatch frothing at the mouth with one eye missing.

I see myself right now and I don't like what I see.

the wind

I planted flowers with the kids yesterday.
tons of flowers.
just pouring seeds out everywhere... lol... couldnt move the dirt around fast enough before everyone just started pouring.

the wind was blowing. the wind reminded me of my mom and our relationsship. the coolness it brought. sometimes it was strong. sometimes it was faint. but it was always there. big gusts of wind or a slow peaceful breeze. but always there, never being able to truly see the 'wind' but always able to see what it does by blowing the grass, my hair, the flowers, the trees, the leaves. always able to feel it.

the flowers I planted with the kids ...
some will grow some won't. for the ones that flourish, they will be touched by a cool gentle breeze. they will be beautiful. they will be fed by the sun and will drink from the rain or mindful care of watering.

my prayer is for these flowers to multiply, to look toward their maker and where they get their source of life from. for these flowers to always know they will be watered, for the colors of their petals to be beautiful and vibrant. and for them to always feel the wind they way I have.

10 x 10=

i feel way too emotional to blog. im ALL ovah the map. Seth turned 10 years old. big deal for me. just is.

what happens now? the first 10 years went by so fast ... does the next 10 years happen when i go to bed tonight and wake up in the morning. Im afraid to blink. afraid to close my eyes.

somebody will sneak 10 years by me and wont even know it.

wow. if feel this way about years i must not even be aware of hours, minutes, or seconds.

i feel aware but im so not aware. if it's been 10 years i am drastically UN.aware.

i thought i held on tight for the first 10... im gonna be scratchin' and kickin' up dirt trying to hang on for dear life as the next 10 race by.

my baby is not a baby anymore. not by the definition of a baby in a dictionary.
but he'll always be MY baby. even when he's 10 x 10. he'll still be my baby.

sneaky impatience

i've not blogged lately because i haven't been very positive. not mad, not angry.. just not positive. If i have nothing positive to bring to the table then it's always best that i just zip it, lock it, and put it in my pocket (as my Shane reminds me).

something is changing though. i can't put my finger on it but its changing. I feel it might have something to do with Seth turning 10. next year he's in fifth grade and then around in these parts they consider 6th,7th,8th as jr. high school. And he will be there before I get the chance to turn completely around.

i cut my hair. short. dangerously short.
danny started working nights again. i feel like a hater.
i have work to do. tons of work to do.
Rozzy is growing up way too fast and so is her mouth.
Shane always just wants to snuggle...i know that is coming to an end soon.
trying to work on my weight. lifestyle changes. i can see changes... just not fast enough.
i guess this blog should be labeled 'impatience' ...

feel like i need to get away. but then i feel like i need to stay. want to stay.

i was tempted this weeekend. tempted to do a lot of things. the devil really knows my weak spots, my cracks. knows how to work those temptations and dangle them in front of my face. I didn't give into them. i stayed strong, and for that i should be happy. but i do believe the best way the devil is getting at me is by this discontentment i feel right now. and **that** above temptation may be the begininning of a victory for him.

sneaky. very.... very. sneaky.