bandersnatch

I had so many things to write about a couple days ago but as life would have I wasn't able to get to my computer and get it out. Sounds simple. Get your computer out. Turn it on. Go to your blog. Let it flow. turns out...............NOT SO EASY.
someone wants a snack or its dinner time or someone (which we can all easily figure out) is playing in the toliet. Someone needs a towel. There's a kid knocking on my door while "someone", with glasses and long hair, is having a melt down. whatever the reason, im blessed that i even have these reasons... but in the same breath i just want to sit down and type my thoughts out. WHAT. THE. HECK!

trying to remember those thoughts or feelings & me typing about them now doesn't hold the same weight as it would've if i typed about it when i was feeling it. BOOOOOOOO!HISSSSSSSSS!
from what thoughts,days ago,are strong enough for me to remember now....
i saw the ocean..
i saw a glimpse of my Dad in Seth.
I saw Rozzy smile.... didn't see any teeth.

I went to a church that was built in 1811. I cried.
I saw the faith of these people that built the church, in their craftmanship, their detail, their artwork.
I cried. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it now.
The dedication, determination and passion they had to build something they may never see finished. It was amazingly, phenomenally, **beautiful** and holy ... there is something that goes beyond the architecture of the building that adds to my life.

I heard someone knocking on the door inside the baby's room. ????? It was the baby and he had climed out of his crib.
I sighed a sigh that sounded like "crap".

I had an allergy attack on a bus full of 4th graders.
I saw my life flash before my eyes.

I saw things that other people have seen.
i saw things that i see everday. somethings i don't.
I saw them take on new meanings.
I still struggle. with things that shouldn't matter. things that matter regarding people that are completely oblivious to the matter at all.
I saw 12 a.m. way too many times this week.
I saw my house get dirty in double the time it usually takes to get dirty.
I got scared.
I got judged. I got angry for feeling like i was being judged.
I wanted to jump on this persons back and scratch their eyes out for having the time and luxury to spend with their family... when i should have been happy for them.
I saw Danny's love through a shoe rack.
I saw Danny leave. I built a mountain outta damp tissues because he'll have to go.
because we'll have to do what we always do while everyone else sits around and does nothing.
I saw my ego and it's huge. It's chained up on a leash in the backyard like the bandersnatch frothing at the mouth with one eye missing.

I see myself right now and I don't like what I see.