i love you to tears

I heard in church this weekend "with every hurt, pain, every heartbreak is an opportunity for gain. it stuck with me. that penetrated my epidermis and is apart of me now.

Scotty is done with the baby oatmeal. he does NOT want it. i feel bad cause its a big box. i can't eat it. funny... ill feed something to my baby i wont eat myself. what kind of mom am I? im emotional. he wants big boy food. which we give to him but still... he still ate some baby foods. he's over it. i just brought him home from the hospital yesterday. didn't I? his little hand touches my face and smears my tear across my cheek.

Seth brought up a reading grade from a C to a B and found out he's getting student of the month. I've never seen him so proud of himself. there's a sense of beaming pride and accomplishment in his eyes. I can't top that feeling I get because he feels that. because i can see it. because i don't want him to see my cry or he'll start crying too. his heart is so good. i cry more.

Shane is so snuggly. my heart melts because he still wants to snuggle. i cant help but well up with tears just sitting on the couch with Shane sharing a blanket feeling his little hand in mine. i dont want him to see me cry. he'll think something is wrong. and when I try to explain Im crying because im happy... it makes him feel weird. so i hide it. as best as i can. but i think he knows i don't have anything in my eye.

Rozzy dances. she's in a play ... a big play for the entire school. she's a farm animal. a chicken. and she's the best darn chicken they've got. its so funny to watch her sing and dance while she moves her little toothpick body around. toothLESS by the way. she reminds me too much of myself. i've gotta look away because my eyes are too watery. she'll call me out and ask why im crying. so hard to explain to a 5 year old girl just trying to get her chicken on.

Danny... Danny just makes me laugh UNTIL i cry. but i drop a tear or two when he leaves too ... when he packs up his stuff and leaves outta town. i cry too much when that happens.

my calendar is ready to jump off the wall and throw its self in the trash. it's gotten plenty of ink the last few days. i cry thinking abouthow fast these days are gonna go by. will i remember these things if they are going by so fast? I've only got 8 more summers left with Seth. 9 more for Shane, 12 more with Rozzy and 17 more for Scotty. only that many more summers before they can run off and do their own thing during the summer.

i believe the whole point of this blog is to let you know I cry too much... and realizing that i should invest in some kleenex...
Danny. Seth. Shane. Rozlynn. Scotty. I love you so much it makes me cry. I love you to tears. xo Mom