Sometimes when I laugh....i snort. true story.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Day 7 of the Gratitude challenge

Ive been a crazy little blogger today.

I know ive missed a few days or more here and there and have not stayed on track for the gratitude challenge... nevertheless I am STILL grateful therefore I will continue regardless of the days being in order or not. =)

Day 7 - take a picture of one thing, person(s), place or specific moment that makes you feel grateful. Share it with someone.

I didnt know this was the next challenge but something tells me God did because these photos came to mind way to easy! ... these photos humble me beyond words <3 href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrOqA3G2lIPilVAU7AXPygopESOU4cIkf2q8cOCfDvINcAp4R9qvu0RFMsZ6ymmxz1tv9imqUSf6-6anv8EkxU5ii3NadE0-nuB2LfVwah6kW_H0wadp4Euc-w36-uhCUjMD8SMM1yc6w/s1600/armstrong0.jpg">

the hustle & bustle of the Wiidemans

Let me introduce you to the Wiideman Family.

Steve. Melissa. Paris. and Trinity.

the Wiideman family make this world a better place and are always a pleasure to be in company with.

Paris and Trinity are so charismatic, sweet, polite, lady like, goofy, silly and princess material. They are involved in everything except forming clouds for the sky. Piano, salsa lessons, soon to be in little leauge... they do it all... including making the camera LOVE them!

and Steve & Melissa.. well they're in the business of making the world go 'round for their princesses and keepin' it real.. look at how hot they are! Work it Steve & Melissa... !

lets see... where was I?

I can't believe its Wednesday December 1st, 2010.
when did that happen? SERIOUSLY... WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

Wednesday Dec 1st, took the carpool lane and the toll road to get here. no fair.

Day 6 - take a few minutes to call someone you haven't talked to in a while. Tell them how much you appreciate them.

Im gonna pray about this, and let God put the right person in my heart.

IN THE MEANTIME........

I had a session with Lily who is going to be 2 years old on Decemeber 18th. How do I know her actual birthdate you ask? because sweet Lily and my own son share the same birthday. They will both be 2 on December 18th. SAAA-WEET!




Lily is such a doll. So inquisitve and smart! Everything the grown-ups were saying she said too. So clearly and perfect. During the session she ran around a bit, picked some oranges, played with some toys, and took time to smell the roses. Literally, picked roses out of my garden and played with the petals. Lily is quite the blossoming flower herself... Happy Birthday Lily

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

my cup runneth over five minutes.

This is supposed to be day 5 of the gratitude challenge, HOWEVER! i am running a couple days behind and the old me would forgoe the whole challenge because of that! Now, everything is worth finishing, even if its not on time or off course, because God doesn't make mistakes. Everything happens when it supposed to ...

Day 5 of gratitude challenge -
Take 5 minuties to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful thaings that you currently have in your life. Don't long for what you don't possess- instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy.

As I sit here and think of all the things I am thankful for I am overwhelemed at the love and support I have in my family. For the family that my kids love and adore and the ones that love and adore them back.

For my Husband.. his commitment and dediciation to get up and go to work when he really just wants to stay home. For his heart, because although he is not a saved Christian I have seen more miracles and Jesus in him and come from him than I have from many Christians.

For Gods grace & mercy. Because I make a couple handful of mistakes every hour and he accepts me just the way I am ... I am thankful for his timing... its impecable.


I could go on & on... I can see why this only calls for 5 mins... its really hard to stop listing off the things you are thankful for once you get going...

My cup runneth over five minutes.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Gratitude Challenge Day 4

Write about something negetive that you are thankful for.

Although I may not see it at the time its happening or it may not be evident to me when Im in the middle of it, when something doesnt go my way, or things dont go as planned I know its serving as part of God's bigger plan.

Not enough $$.
Not enough time.
Not enough Groceries.
Too many questions.
Not enough sleep.
Christmas is coming.
The electricity bill was too high.
Too many dishes.
Too much laundry.
Too much homework.
Estranged relationships.
Harsh words sometimes get said. Feelings get hurt.
The abscense of words hurt too...

the list can go on and on ... But I believe God uses these things, people and situations to make us thankful, and to let us know he is always in control. For us, or me especially, to trust him. So I am thankful for the hard days, maybe not ON the hard days, and for the negetive things because it makes me thankful and reflective.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

gratitude challenge day 3


Today's challenge - Tell about something you are grateful in your life today....

looking at the photo above says it all... 'NUFF SAID! =)

p.s. tomorrow challenge is gonna be a doozie...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Gratitude challenge day 2


Today I am especially thankful for this time change..its really workin' out..

Using the alphabet as a fun and quick format for making a list of things for which you feel grateful. Share this list with your social network through email, blog post or Facebook.

A- AGING- as this happens you mature and get wiser....hmmmm, who would've known?

B- BAKING -its a release for me .. ever see a furious baker? thats me!

C- CORINTHIANS- 1 Corinthians 13 to be exact.

D- DINNER TIME- I sit around the dinner table with some sort of family everynight, laugh and talk about the day.
DATE NIGHT- cause I get to go out with the most handsome, smart, funny guy on this planet.

E- ERASERS - because I make a lot of mistakes.

---EDITING- thankful to see someone elses heart & soul and for being able to share that with them while editing.

---EASTERBREAD- It's the bread of angels.

F- FORGIVENESS- period.
FLORENCE & THE MACHINE- she's magical and God made her for me.

G- GROCERIES- There has been times where our cupboards are bare and our Fridge has looked sickly... but God always provides.

--GARAGE - cause no one thinks to look for me there.

--GELATO- pistashio FOREVER!

H- HUSBAND- I am thankful for his hard work, dedication, and commitment. He makes me laugh till I pee my pants... a little, & loves me for me,no matter how crazy I make him. I am most thankful for his over the top HUGE heart... I know nobody like him.

--HOMEWORK- thankful for another opporutnity to teach my kids and bond with them.

I- ICE- I love ice in my cold drink.. cause it just doesnt seem cold without it.

J- JUXTAPOSITION - It helps you appreciate the other end of the spectrum of what your eyes see.

K- KINESICS- thankful for non-verbal communication.

L- LACE- black lace in particular.... I LOVE it!

M- MIRRORS- the one I have in my bathroom and the one that God holds up.
MUSIC- music holds so much weight for me. Very inspirational and fun.

N- NEW SHOE SMELL- I love the smell of new shoes... =/ .. strange, I know.

O- OSHA- that training keeps my husband knowledgable and safe.

--OCTOPUS - Im thankful for her 8 arms... she may think its a curse but I see it as a blessing.

P- PHOTOGRAPHY- a form of Art that takes me to the highest peak where I'm humble.

Q- QUIET- cause when it happens I am EXTREMELY thankful. Im sure God planned it that way.

R- RASCALS- Seth, Shane, Rozzy & Scotty.. This is my purpose.

S- SCRIPTURE - Proverbs 31 in particular

--STROLLER- cause there's no way I could carry everything... (okay I envy the octopus a little)

--SNUGGLING- with my babies... they still like that .... for now.

T- TRASH - Thankful I have somewhere to throw that old Halloween candy, torn up toys or file papers or mail under "T" for Trash.


U- UMBRELLA - not for rain but of love.

V- VICTORY- Victory in Jesus.

W- WINGS - on angels and when God wants something to fly (relationships, work, situations) he gives it wings to soar.

X- X-RAY - I know this sounds silly, like I couldn't come up with another "X" word but I am truly thankful for the X-ray machine... I have 4 kids and being able to go to the dr. for an x-ray comes in pretty handy when you have kids.

Y- YULE TIDE- Christmas is my favorite day.

Z- ZEE FAMILY - every single member of my family. thankful for each and everyone of them... I love them beyond measure.

Monday, November 8, 2010

the Gratitude Challenge - Day 1

I did this challenge last year... or half of it.. I am committing to doing it ALL this year and encourage you to do the same. Everyday I will post a new challenge. You can follow this on the blog or on facebook. I also encourage you to post your gratitude challenge answers as a comment on the blog..I'd love to hear what your thankful for.

Have fun and as the old hymns says "count your many blessings, name them one by one, count your many blessings see what God has done."

Day 1- Today you start the Gratitude Challenge. Make a commitment to take note and give thanks for the next 21 days. Express why you accepted this challenge and what you hope to acheive from it.

**I accepted this challenge because, although I'm thankful for many things, I take many things for granted. I hope to acheive a deeper appreciation for things, both positive and negetive, and always keep my thankfulness at the forefront of my mind and thoughts, as a constant reminder of how blessed I am... and by doing that leading by example for my family. I do so truly desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Hate Month


So many things have happened in the last 2,3,4 weeks. its been a blur...

a big, foggy,hazy blurrrrrrrrrrrr....
and here's what I remember from it......

There is no greater reminder of how fast time flies than to remember, what seems like yesterday, when your child (or children) were just babies.

We got rain. I felt like reading my Twiglight Saga again. The weather was very
"Fork-sy".
I remembered, at this time 22 months ago, I was moving into our, now very loud,busy,loving,comfortable home & preparing for our new baby boy Scotty.
I remembered nursing him and playing guitar hero with the kids..... at the same time.

Danny was working in town.

We did our own Thanksgiving at home... for the first time.
I remember it was a lot of work.... but totally worth it to start our own tradition.

A few weeks ago I
thought about the upcoming month, formerly knowns as "hate month" for me.
Yes.... I've dedicated an entire month to things that I "hate". Things & people that are so small and insignificant that I let bother me. and shouldn't. Therefore I let irritation, pet peeves, & unresolved past situations lay unchecked and it morphs into anger and resenment. .... resulting into emotional vomit.
For a few years in a row now I've worked really hard to fight the emptiness or void I feel inside (during October).
I didn't this year. It was acutally a love month for me and before I had time to let anything get under my skin it was Halloween and I only had about 8 more hours to actually get heated about something to hold up my bargain with "hate month".
** November snuck up on me and I believe God intended it to be that way.

In October....
I baked up a tower of cupcakes.
shopped for costumes.
ate with family.
lost my voice.
returned a rented movie late.
ate healthier food.
cried at the doctors office.
cried myself to sleep.
worried.
read on lesson worry.
stopped worrying.
left some laundry in piles.
bought the new Kings of Leon cd.... and thouroughly enjoyed it..... my fav.
thought about being 30.
cheered for Bristol Palin & Jennifer Grey on Dancing with the Stars.
talked to Danny until 2am.
felt like a teenager doing that.
felt like an old woman when i woke up the next morning.
missed my husband until i felt short of breath.

prayed and thanked God for all the things above and then all the things I forgot to mention. I truly am so thankful for hate month ....

Monday, October 25, 2010

again and again...

I wonder if I'll be able to remember the memories of my babies that mean so much to me that I never want to forget....because there are so many of them...I think sometimes if I remind myself often of a certain memory I can etch it into my mind and forever it will stay....not so much....I've realized that my days,weeks,hours,minutes, and everything in between is full of things my brain couldn't possibly hold.....so many things I want to remember to comfort me when they're grown, gone and have families of their own....


so.......Im grateful....grateful that God has blessed my family and life so abundantly there is no possible way to keep track of all the blessings... grateful for the memories and moments I can recall, for the ones to come, and for the overwhelming feeling of thankfulness that fills my heart, home and soul....

again and again my cup runneth over.

Friday, October 22, 2010

so lucky this is my life



I took this photo recently at a park. It was one of seven hundred some pics. I ended up taking.... and even though its not the best photo of the bunch it spoke to me. I felt it really embodied who this boy was and it said a lot about how his Mom is always sprinting to keep up with him... and all his milestones and transformations as he grows.


For me, and millions of other Moms, there is no greater reminder that time flies than when you look at your child {or children} and remember when they were just babies yesterday.

Its hard to remember them that small sometimes but you never imagined them THIS big.

We are always reaching out, stretching and sometimes barely grazing the back of their collars with our fingertips.... we are tired, worn out, exhausted, and sometimes a sweaty hot mess... .... but I know I wouldn't have it any other way... Im so lucky this is my life.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

sweeter than candy

 

Sometimes Im not able to concentrate on the things that really matter. I get distracted. I re open cuts or wounds that should be closed. I read somewhere that when something goes wrong you allow yourself 10 mins to cry about it, blow your nose and move on.

I gave myself a few hours. (much longer than I should have)

Sometimes the decisions we make come back to haunt us.
They come back to be second guessed. Or in my case third & fourth guessed.

The benefits and peace that come as a result of my choices should be concrete enough to not be guessed.... at all.

I believe God uses certain people, and situations to show you where you were and how far you've come.

How he brought me out of Egypt.
and that reminds me how truly blessed I am, to stay focused and try not to get distracted.

Still... I am thankful for the distractions.... it makes me work harder to stay focused, and appreciate the blessings I too often take for granted.

**my photo is of Sophia & Scotty... better known as Faye & Cotty. Two miraculous blessings that really matter.
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Monday, October 11, 2010

The Carly & Brandon Show



Carly and Brandon... known to each other as Carla & Beezy are a hoot! Soon to be married Carly & Brandon dig each other, and love to skip around on the beach.... literally "skip" ..... From sun glasses, to a proposed game of mercy, and making out between two houses, this phenomenal couple oozes passion for each other.... thank you C & B for letting me catch some of your love birdie - ness.. xo, Stevie

Friday, October 1, 2010

 
I have been neglegent. Neglegent to the blog, neglegent to my chores because I have been wrapped up in this...
Wrapped up in Scotty & Sophie world. Or as they know each other "cotty" and "fogee" .... such a beautiful distraction. ..... wouldn't you neglect everything else for this????
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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

VEGAS


Im going to Vegas this weekend.
I dont know if that makes me happy or tired...
or happy that I can rest, since Im taking NO kids, because Im tired.

Everything about this trip shouts opportunity.

in so many ways on so many different levels...
but it also shouts fluffy pillows, clean, crisp white sheets, drapes pulled closed to have them drawn open to let the morning sunlight in while I eat breakfast in bed...
It shouts late night reading a book and having my,long forgotten, glass of wine.
it shouts "YOU DO REALIZE WHEN YOU SAY 'LATE NIGHT' YOUR TALKING ABOUT 10PM, RIGHT?"

I could go to Vegas and get my party on... get drunk. loose control...stay up until 4am, pretend to be someone I gave up a long time ago.

When I think of partying I think that I should be doing the running man or the roger rabbit.... maybe doing the humpty dance...

"alright, stop whatcha doin' cause Im about to ruin the image and the style thatcha used to"

or belting out sublime somewhere with a group of strangers that I think are my friends for one night.

or .....

I could take a swim, go sight seeing, see a show, visit a spa, have dinner, meditate, look at the color sea green and feel relaxed...

hmmm.... maybe i'll just have one margarita.



or two. ;)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

yesterday...

Yesterday...
I woke up too early
made cupcakes for a 5th grade classroom
saw my boy's face light up when he got 100% on a reading test.
watched two toddlers walk side by side, when yesterday they were just babies.
went back to the good 'ol days of pintos and cheese.
toured Perris
wondered if a satelite giving directions to a phone could really catch fire and come hurling toward earth.
saw my sister go nuts, with all her strength, trying to fix something.
saw her get excited to be at a Forever 21 and create her own dialect.
held a toddler
watched the toddler fall asleep with in a matter of minutes.
laid down to take a nap, what i thought was gonna be a nap.... didnt end up being a nap at all.
felt my heart skip a beat when I saw Danny walk through the door.
saw how much my younger brother has grown up... and how much he loves the love of his life. Felt true joy for him.
watched my little brother get the "talk" before going out to his first football game.
watched him leave the car and not be so little anymore.
felt proud but felt time moving to fast & the world spinning too quickly.
felt a warm pumpkin spice latte and good company.
heard a police officer ask for license, registration, and INSURANCE.....
looked for head lights on a mountain.
took an off roading trip with my Mom at the wheel and followed Steve "Dad" Irwin in a safari jeep to the safe streets of Elsinore.
looked for 7 daughters.... or 7 sisters.
drank a brewski with my brother
felt a hot flash and the onset of pre - menopause.
looked at my computer and couldn't get anywork done...
closed my eyes next to Danny...remembered all the details of the day and felt thankful.

Yesterday was a good day.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

up in the sky

Its been a while since I've posted. been working on the new & improved website and changing stuff up on the blog and some new specials for the holidays.. more to come soon... but while working I listen to music..and this one song snagged my heart and a flood of emotion came rushing in ... or in this case ... out. =)

Through my window I see a blue sky. beautiful blue. It makes me think of you. I see how white and puffy the clouds are.. they are passing. slowly. it makes me think of time.

It makes me thankful, and sorry because I miss you. I feel the sorry-ness for every person I've ever missed in my life. It hurts because I miss you so much. I forgot how much I missed you. I feel like I've re-opened a wound thats still trying to heal.

I guess it's okay because I miss you in a healthy way now.

my face is tear stained as I type and think about you.

my ugly face is scrunched up from trying not to cry.. but it makes me cry harder. I love you and I miss you.

I am thankful to have had you in my life. I would hope if the situation were reversed you would feel the same. I love you and I miss you. I wish there was more.
More to say and more of you.
my nose is clogged and I taste salt.

the clouds are still moving ...but it seems like their stuck in one place in the sky.
I feel how much I've healed from missing you.. but see how much I haven't.

the only thing that comes to mind is I love you and I miss you.

Monday, September 6, 2010

day 11 of {365}


Mike and Cassie got together and whipped up the most beautiful baby girl Alyssa. (more of her to come soon) but I really wanted to catch some of Mike and Cassie's spark..... and here's what I got... thanks Mike & Cassie for being so dang sparky.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

day 10 of {365}

 
OH WHAT? YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS FROSTING? YOU BETTA AX SOMEBODDY!
the frostingless cupcake..

its a melted marshmallow on top...

SUPRISE.... =)
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Friday, September 3, 2010

day 9 of {365}

 
wow! I almost forgot today.. sheesh!
talk about slidin' in on my butt on day 9!!

I've had this since I've been a little girl..
little in size............aaahem! and in age.
Never really paid attention to it. or cared about what it said.
I particularly was fond of the picture on the left hand side.
I always imagined that the little girl praying with her kitty cat was me.

That was until I realized I was NOT a blonde, and I was allergic to cats.
Right around the time I realized that was the time I realized what the words meant.
and the words are so much more important to me now.

Thank you day 9
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Thursday, September 2, 2010

the queen of laundry

 
day 8 of {365}
I have to let you know that before I started typing this particular blog I stretched.
like an athlete. like a marathon runner or an olympic cross country team member.

I felt COMPELLED to stretch after looking at all those baskets of laundry.

I looked at this photo, that I took of the laundry, I just stared at it.
calling myself back to reality a few times. but then only to zone out again on how much laundry that was.

I mean I've done more laundry than this at one time, but this is a normal weekly laundry tower at my house.

I looked at it and studied it.
I compared it to the leaning tower of Pisa.
and thought seriously of setting it on fire.

I stared at it and tried to find something positive to say.
about the laundry.

if I told you I loved to do laundry I would be lying.
if i told you it brang joy to my heart to know my kids are wearing clean clothes.... that would be a lie as well.
i should be joyful for that reason. but im not.

I just finished looking down at the fibers of my carpet still trying to figure out something to say positive about laundry. hmmmmmmmmmmm..

Should I get down on my knees in front of it and start praying?
Should I be rebellious and knock it over to let someone else pick it up? (AS IF!)
Should I wash it, dry it, fold it & hang it all up so I can see this laundry tower's evil twin by next thursday?

Im wondering if there is a way to get on top of it and sit up there like its my throne.

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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

day 7 of {365}

 

We celebrated with ice cream.
We always do.
thats just how we celebrate.

this was birthday cake flavor.
when you taste it .... you actually think its someones birthday.
I suppose we should celebrate everyday. all the time.
for our health, home, each other. All the things we take for granted.
I suppose ice cream is appropriate all the time. ( if we did that the kids would think I had a tumor!)
I am grateful. for everything.
i am grateful for the things that I can't even remember to be thankful for... im sure God helps me *not* remember them for a reason... and for that I am grateful.

However on this particular occasion
I am grateful for the ice cream social I had with my babies.
let us raise our cones in a celebatory toast in honor of each other.
thats a big reason to celebrate!
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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

day 6 of {365}



Im tired.
I run errands
I have 4 kids
my husband works outta town
I dont cook a 3 course meal everynight
ive given my kids cereal for dinner
I dont put away laundry right way.. or even after 2 days of sitting in a basket.
i feel overwhelmed
under qualified
and inadequate at times...
but then I get a photo like this and nothing else matters
everything seems SO. SO. worth it.

Monday, August 30, 2010

day 5 of {365}



he was waiting for me to pick him up from school, leaning against this thing... he looked so cool.. so grown up.

I believe this photo with all my heart.
inside.............. there is HIGH VOLTAGE.
I love my 10 year old Seth.
we are way too much alike

Sunday, August 29, 2010

4 of {365}

 
I chose this as day 4 of {365}
the drop box
taking all kinds of stuff..
love notes
postcards
letters to home
from home
bills
Dear John letters
applications
notices of action
letters of approval
disapproval
financial documents
checks
statement of withdrawls
hate mail
giving itself to be there.... for you.
when you need it.
servicing you by existing.
i feel ya drop box.
i feel ya.
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Day 3 of {365}



I am a mostly self-taught photographer. (or choreographer as Shane sometimes says)
with the help of mentors, tutorials, and any information I can read and get my hands on to practice.

I pray for God to always keep that passionate fire in my heart for photography. so far so good. However I pray more that God would use and grow my talent for his kingdom. I want to be a faithful servant with all he has blessed me with.
I pray to bless someone else, some other family with my work. I am so thankful ... .. so very . very . thankful.

p.s. I know my posting of day 3 of {365} comes on today (day 4) ..... eh... it is what it is =)

Friday, August 27, 2010

day 2 of {365}



You would think this little girl, this little 6 year old girl,
beautiful long blonde/brown hair,
infectious smile,
corny laugh,
smart-as-a-whip-little girl
would be sweet as pie.
Just sugar and spice and EVERYTHING nice.
that she would be SO gravy you would wanna "sopp her up with a biscuit".
just better than candy.
and she is.............................................

**SOMETIMES**

dont let her fool you.
She is a pistol.
firecraker.
She's a live one.
She's gotta mind of her own and an attitude to match.

we are working on many things to build her into a beautiful cathedral someday,
but for now... she just works it to her advantage...
I love her..... but she's way too much like her mama

Thursday, August 26, 2010

day1 of {365}




I saw a {365} day challenge. You take a photo everyday, for {365} days and journal about each one. I loved the idea so much, and being late in the game, I decided to do it on the blog.

Some of the photos will be of my babies or family, and some will be of strangers, places, things, but they will all be something that impacted my day as a mother or photographer. Or both. I hope you'll enjoy this as much as I think I will.

My baby Scotty isn't so much of a baby anymore. He is a big boy toddler that will start the potty-training process soon. His favorite words are "no", "mine", and "why". His regular activites include climbimg, running from his older siblings, screaming,and trying to edge his way between the kitchen sink and my legs.

His head full of golden curls makes me smile. When he climbs up on my bed or the couch and pulls the covers up i've never felt the want or need to cuddle more. When he claps his hands or dances to Yo Gabba Gabba my heart claps and dances too. My Scotty positively fills my world with the shape of his sunglasses.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

beach fun photo challenge

I snapped a photo of my daugther after she ran out of the freezing ocean water and bundled up under a bunch of our towels to get warm. check out other neat beach photos at www.iheartfaces.com



for more fun beach photos check out:

Monday, August 23, 2010

FOR THE MOMS


For the Moms who are and who are to be

For the Moms
that have smart mouthed kids (they have your attitude you know)
who eat you outta house and home.
that do homework until its dark and past everyone's bedtime.
that have headaches and pop tylenol, advils, or excedrins to keep going.
For the Moms who have more than one cup of coffee a day... or who always just try to finish the "one" cup.
For the Moms
who hear the words "I hate you"
and that break up disagreements, scuffles & rough housing
that visit the orthepedist more than any Mother should
who sit in the emergency room with a baby that has a 103 temperature
or a steam room with a baby who is congested with flem.
For the Moms who answer the phone with a screaming baby in the background.
For the Moms
who can change their tone of voice from 'rage at the kids' to 'sweet as pie' when they answer the phone.
who say no to candy and soda
who tell you "your eyes will stay that way if you keep crossing them"
who give you hand sanitizer and insist you wash up before dinner.
who wipe their son's face with a wet wash rag while he's barfing in the toliet.
For the Moms
that take clean clothes to their pee-pee pants kindergartener
who make their kids do homework and reading before play
that enforce respect to their elders and manners at any and all dinner tables.
who wash load upon load of laundry to no avail.
who mop the floor only to stay clean for 26 minutes.
who cooks in the summer and heats up the house and hear everyone complain to feed her kids.
who bakes cupcakes, and sweets for her childrens birthdays.
who volunteer their time in classes to help her kids teachers out
who are more involved
For the Moms
that make the beds everday
and makes her kids brush their teeth at least twice a day.
that takes her kids to church
to soccer practice, dance practice or band rehersal.
For the Moms who run around like chickens with their heads cut off.
For the Moms who regulate video game and T.V. time
who plays video games with them
who say "no" and hear the response "your ruining my life"
who forgets to take her apron off when she's talking to the good looking school principal
who doesn't get to shower everyday
For the Moms
who's heart breaks to hear her baby cry because they're hurt
who hear their 2 year old tell her "no" and "mine"
who want to just sit down, read a book and have a glass of wine
who hear their kids cough at night and can't go back to sleep
who hold their babies down for immunizations
For the Moms who cry on the way out from the Dr.'s office
or the first day of school (no matter what grade their starting)
For the Moms
who are advocates for their children.
who recognizes the fact that each child learns differently
who embraces who each one of her kids are
and listens to them play an instrument when it sounds like a cow dying.
For the Moms
who give up sleep
fine jewlery
designer clothes
manicures
pedicures
trying just to put nail polish on at home for pete's sake
hair appointments
routine girlfriend get togethers
scrapbook getaways
and the ability to hold their pee or snort when they laugh too hard...

For the Moms who gave up other dreams to have this dream of being a Mother come true.

For you.

before he left



I had this great blog.

Well I thought it was great.

I thought "if i could just keep these thoughts fresh in my mind I could play them over and over and over again and then it would all flow naturally from my naturally impecable memory...
but then I had kids.
and remembered my impecable memory was at its prime when I could remember the lyrics to 'Ice Ice Baby' ...'my memory' and 'impecable' don't belong in the same sentence anymore... if they did..... why the repetition?

hmmmmm....ginkogoloba is finding a place in my medicene cabinet right now.

Danny came home.
I felt like he was coming home from a really long trip.
He was gone all week.
He works nights.
Its hard on us. Hard on the kids.
After he was home for a few minutes he grabbed my hand.
Pulled me over to him and said he could tell I had been walking.
How sweet of him. such a lie... but how sweet.
cant hate on him for that can I?
I said 'thank you' and we both leaned in for a kiss.
I closed my eyes when we kissed and felt like I hadn't kissed him in weeks. Months.
I felt my eyes welling up with tears.
I didnt know if I should let him see me cry.
So I kissed him like I missed him.
keeping my eyes closed because I knew if I stopped, if I let go.... he would know.
He would know the time apart is getting to me.. .and the time apart has only started. I didn't want him to carry that burden so soon after just leaving for 5 days... and for just coming home.

by the time I opened my eyes it was time for him to go again.
to leave.
but before he went he
did the rest of the laundry
cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes
made us lunch
washed my car
went grocery shopping
put our babies to bed
watered our yards
mounted the dishwasher
played Wii with the kids
slept next to me
and danced with me.
I opened my eyes and it was over.
the next 5 days had already started.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Shane-bug


I dont know how to look at you and ever imagine how I will let you get older.
your birthdays keep coming but I can't ever imagine a day where I will truly celebrate them without some sort of sadness in my heart.

I . LOVE . YOU . SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.
I see your heart in everything you do.
your gentleness, compassion, your lovingness.

when I think of you im overwhelmed with a feeling of keeping you like you are now, in this moment, forever.

I pray for you to grow in God's love.
to keep all the qualities you have now as my 9 year old boy and carry them with you through adulthodd... qualities so awesome in you now I hope you will teach your children how to love like you do.

you are my Shane-bug
my snuggly-bear
my fish.

I love you so much my heart could explode.
I will forever just want to hold you and cradle you in my arms for as long as you'll let me.
to keep your hand in mine for however long you will hold mine.
you are so awesome and you don't even have to work at it.
it comes naturally to you.. its so easy for you to be so kind.... so easy for people to love you it makes me cry.

i can't help but cry my eyes out and loose my breath thinking of how I can keep these memories forever. to preserve you somehow.

I love that you love nature and God's creations. That you have respect for all life.
you love animals and that you work so hard in school. I love that you love music. that you play the guitar to calm your anxious heart.
I love that you know how to give the best hugs, and that you love to skateboard and dance.
I love that you don't mind being silly with the ones you love most.
I love that you still kiss me goodbye at school and shout " I love you, have a good day!" when I drop you off.
I love that you still want that.
I love that you have this innocence about you that makes you love everyone and everything whole heartedly.


but what I love most of all is that smile you try to hold back when your really happy or excited. you try to hold it back so much that it ends up being the biggest smile ever. it shows your heart and melts everyone elses.

my heart will always be a big melty pool of gooey love for you.

I LOVE YOU AND NO MATTER HOW BIG YOU EVER GET YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY BABY.

XO times infinity, Mom

Friday, August 13, 2010

FIRST



My babies went back to school this week.
Pencils
paper
erasers
pencil sharpeners
pencil pouches
binders
folders
rulers
notebooks
hand sanitizer
pocket tissues
backpacks
shoes
clothes
lunch pails
baggies
freezer packs
graph paper
a map of the United States
a map of the World
dictionary
thesaurus
binder reminders
post its
all this for the kids, to be prepared. Prepared to go back to school.

and one tissue for me... for the ride back home. because nothing prepares me for how grown up my babies are getting...

on a equally as precious note I had the priveledge of spending some time with Sara, Anthony & baby Luigi... Sara look out... because before you know it you will need a tissue to wipe your eye as you watch him on his first day of school... I love you guys for making such a beautiful baby and for being such beautfiul people ... xoxo

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

birthdays

every night when my kids go to bed, I usually sneak a peak at them to make sure everyone is covered up, nothing is on the floor obstructing a pathway, pillows are under their heads, and the bathroom night light is on.

I happen to catch a glimpse of their little faces and hands and remember when they used to seem so much smaller. when all they could fit into their teeny tiny hand was my finger.

I could hold them & cradle them in my arms, rock them back and forth and press my cheek next to theirs. take the bottom of my chin and trace the outline of their forehead down to their nose.

but on the night before their birthday, when they go to sleep, waiting to turn the next magical number, I look at them differently.
I look a little longer.
and I cry a little more.
I recall the date and time they were born.
I remember how I felt when I first held them...
I remember their first few weeks of their life..... and how I didn't know it would pass so quickly.
I linger a little more that night. I try and sneak a kiss and a trace of their forehead and nose with the bottom of my chin without waking them up.

I stand in their doorway quietly, trying not to let my tears make too much noise, in astonishment they have grown so fast. I think about all the things I want for them, and then cry more tears knowing the clock is still ticking.

despite the tears...
birthdays are so much fun around here... they are so exciting...
they are always supremely sweet with birthday cake, ice cream & family.

its just the night before the big day that tears me apart.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

unknown


when you grieve................................ who or what do you grieve for?

are you grieving for the person who has passed?
are you grieving for the people you love that will feel the loss more than you?
or grieving for not having or taking advantage of the opportunity to spend more time with the person that has passed?

are you grieving over the thought of them not being physically accessible anymore?
not being able to touch them?
or hear thier voice in response to yours?
are we grieving over the loss of that person passing or a combination of these things?
grieving over other broken relationships that death makes you reconsider?
grieving over second, third & fourth chances?
grieving over the changes you know you'll never see in other people?
grieving over the changes you can't bring yourself to make enternally?
grieving over how happy & blue the sky looks in comparison to the dark & hurt your heart feels?

when someone passes you try not to make it about yourself, right? Right.
its not about me when something so serious happens.
or is it?
Death has a fascinating way of making you take a personal inventory.
It has a way of making you reflect on all things. from your earliest childhood memory right up until the present moment.

i guess your heart hurts no matter what your grieving over most.
the death of someone passing is torturous even when you have faith.
loosing someone feels like a huge, strong wave that slams your whole being,your whole exsistence against the ocean floor, dragging your body all over the sand, water going up your nose, the sound of the rush of water over your head tossing you about and filling your ears up with water....keeping in your breath with all of your might........ & for that brief moment, that seems to last forever, not knowing when your gonna to be able to plant both feet back on the ground... regain your balance and stand up to catch your breath..... feels like forever.

we all grieve. in different ways.
some of us fill the silence. some of us like the silence.
some of us eat. some cant muster up the focus to chew and swallow.
some use music. some cry themselves to sleep.
some of us cling to each other. some of us push away & become disengaged.
some of us give chances to relationships that are toxic for us.
some of us look for a get away. while others keep their arms open waiting for them to come back.
some of us laugh. nervously.
some of us bury ourselves in our work, school, family or kids.
some of us seek out counseling, a shoulder to lean on.
some of us hold tight, or return to our faith.

but we all grieve.
and there's a lesson to be learned from each passing.
there is always something to take from the end of someone's life here on earth.
God has a purpose for everyone.
God has a purpose for your grieving.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but openings in the Heaven... Where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us." - unknown

Monday, July 26, 2010

listen


ever listen to something & feel something so strongly it kinda scared you?
didn't know what it was. no label for it.
but it was strong enough to make you cry.
bring tears to your eyes.
overwhelmed with emotion.
made you think of people you haven't thought of in a while. People you thought you'd forgotten, or had faded? People you didn't have the opportunity to know. People that you did know and don't talk to anymore. People that are the closest to you. People from your past. People that were your friends that aren't anymore. People that want to be there for you, that you won't let in completely. People that share your DNA.

you listened and felt so strongly you wanted someone else to feel it too, so you could see their reaction... to know what you were feeling was real. did they feel it too? the same way? could someone else understand you on that level?
a place, within myself, so foreign how could I possibly make anyone else understand it?

maybe if you just listen you can feel the same thing.
listen to the same thing I am and maybe you can see what Im talking about .
listen to it in its entirety.
listen because you wont regret the feeling it gives you.

otherwise its just me listening.
and that's okay too.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Wake up


Last night I drove to Starbucks.
I drove when it was dark. after 9pm i think.
it seemed really dark to me.
the only thing that lit the fields around me was the Moon.
it was beautiful.
I felt something.

there is something to be said about the glow of the moon on the dark earth around you.
a metaphor.
the way it feels.
It has this way of illuminating things in an entirely different way.

When I went to bed I fell asleep looking at the moon from my window.

I woke up this morning to Scotty's little chubby hand on my face. He was rubbing my face gently. I opened up my comforter, moved over, he climbed up.Made his way in my bed & nestled in. I closed my eyes to just lay there. He put his hand on my face again. I opened my eyes to look at him. He smiled with his little bright white teeth, and gave me a dozen kisses.

How blessed am I to wake up this way?
For this to be my wake up call?

As much as I wanted to make that moment last forever, I couldn't.

this morning stays apart of me forever. It makes my days better. I makes my perspective clearer, makes my grass greener.

When I got up my pillow was wet.... alas not from drool this time, but from tears.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

soakin' up the sun


shish kebobs (i know that isn't the right spelling, however that is the way I say it), WHAMO!slip n' slides from the 70's, dirty corn, bbq'd corn, Sheryl Crow, lawn chairs,ice water, beach house, manicures, pedicures, kids writing creative stories,Scotty taking his nap, Scotty giving Sophia a hug, Sophia patting Scotty on the back,Little Monsters, chocolate bundt cake,lemonhead flavored iced cream, staying connected with old friends, making new ones, reading tutorials, Shane's long hair & smile, Shane playing his guitar, Seth sitting in my lap, Rozzy dancing around the living room, Danny after a shower, princess dresses, soaking up the sun.......documenting all this through photography makes me feel on top of the world.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

what keeps me cool

How are you staying cool this summer?
snowcones, ice creams, sprinklers, pools, diving boards, floaties, marco polo, babies in little swimmers, two pieces, boardshorts, bathing suit cover ups, sun tan oil, sunscreen, hot dogs, potatoe salad, drinks from the water hose, mowing the lawn at 9pm at night, popcorn, fresh fruit, carnivals, county fairs, windmills, cotton candy, late night scrapbooking, camera snapping, big sticks, sticky fingers, iced tea, grape soda, wind storms, thunderstorms, lightning, rain, humidity so high you sweat when you breathe, smiley faces, peekaboo with the curliest head of hair ever, chubby baby hands and arms wrapped around my neck, beach towels, smothered ribs, barbeque filled napkins in wads all over the table, boat rides, raft rides, fishing, swimming in the lake, fireworks, grapes growing on the vine in my back yard, sharing them with family, big flowers in your hair, cartwheels, family washing the cars, laying around the air conditioned house, watching movies to stay cool, going to the bowling alley to stay cool, home projects, Rachael Ray, Martha Stewart, Real Simple, magazines galore, finding the right shades, swapmeet, beach house, woodfloors, open windows, blowing kisses, dancing, Jack Johnson, blow up pools, scooters, bikes, yardsales, steak picado, sand digging, cold showers, wonderous smelling shampoo, conditioners and body wash, smooth shaven legs, lip gloss, butterflies, hummingbirds, lizards, having the fan on, forever 21, sarcasm, naptime, reading, barnes n noble, making plans, being bored, sushi, fresh clean table cloths, Joanns, Michaels, coupons, dirty jokes, collecting eggs from the chicken coop, ice chests, ice cold soda pop, never ending supply of ice, lemon, tapatio, umbrellas, lawn chairs, beach chairs, play pen, clorox wipes, lysol wipes, Ikea, shoes, long dresses, short dresses, big earrings, lotion, thrift stores, facebook, blog, mascara, nail polish, detangler, apron, white christmas lights on the patio,bird feeder, friends, family, my babies........Danny.................making new memories.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

H.O.T.

I saw a man today.
He was walking from his truck, where he had tools.
It was 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
It looked like he was going to do maintainance on a vacant house.

Go inside.
go be cool inside.
get outta this heat.
dont work right now.
people are passing out.
having heat strokes.
stop working.
just..... stop working.

It was the HEAT of the afternoon.
the heat.
it was so hot.
so hot that you didn't even have to have the sun directly touching you to make you feel like your skin was burning. to make you feel like it was on fire.

I haven't felt that in a long time.
so hot, your head pounds, and your blood pressure goes up.
everything is under a magnifying glass.

a magnifying glass that burns ants in the sun.

and Im the ant.

So hot that it feels like you can't drink enough water.
you can't get your hands on enough ice.
all you can think about is swimming because running through the sprinklers wont satisfy the cool down your looking for.
so hot it doesn't matter that you have the air conditioning on in the house it still feels like Hades.
you still sweat in the creases of your arms and behind your knees when you sit down.
so hot that you promise yourself that instead of a hot shower **tonight! you take a COLD shower!**

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

the boy


There is a boy.
A boy that is sweet.
a gentleman.
a boy who knows the latest slang & fashion.....
but opens the door for a lady.
who plays video games
but laughs and jokes with adults.

his heart is pure.
his soul is old fashioned.
from another time.

This boy hurts when you hurt.
he's compassionate.
he's a lover. not a fighter.
he's a hard worker.
and he genuinely wants happiness. for everyone.

All of these things is what separates this boy into being a young man.
A young man who's heart desires the right things.
things that are just & hard to stand up for.
It makes me extremely proud and honored that this young man is
my brother.

I love you Joseph.
since the day you were born.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

her

when the silence is deafening, what do you do?
i hear typing.
the T.V in the background but it all seems so insignificant.

the lump in my throat is screaming to get out.

not being able to find the right words are choking me. my family.
trying to understand is more confusing.
the world is shaking.
the room is spinning.
our hearts are restless.
God is preparing us for something bigger. ....................

but... it feels like .....there is nothing bigger than this moment

time is so slow. was it meant to be this slow? right now?

Im so sorry. Im so so sorry.
im so sorry this is happening. that it ended this way.
my heart breaks for you. for her.
(for whom ever "her" is) there are so many different people that fit "her" in this situation.

to loose a child.
to loose a sister.
to loose someone who brought you into this world.
to loose.

i've not had to loose any of those things and couldn't fathom the pain, emptiness, desvastation that comes with loosing those things.

All I can do is cry for all the "hers".
my heart breaks for hers.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I'm so sure.

sometimes i dont have it all figured out.
when im not always so certain.
there are mornings when I wake up and wonder "what the heck am I doing here.in Lake Elsinore? married? with 4 kids? being a stay at home mom? giving up or sacrificing the old things that made me happy.. or made me *ME*?"

The house is'nt aways clean.the phone bill isn't always paid.... sometimes we live paycheck to paycheck. the kids cry, we don't ever get a date night....

Can you imagine a life.. where everything was just easy?you know,where you ask for things & people just bring them to you?
It sounds wonderful,&....I think about it too...

I wonder what kind of life I would've had if I hadn't married you.

And then i realize I've just erased all the things in my life that I'm sure about. You & the kids.
Things I am **so.sure.about**

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

the fab 30

 

Mary & Robert knows what it takes to stay married 30 years.

They both agree it works with a lot of "YES DEAR" & sweet treats.
**(baked & non-baked)**

sometimes, as you can see from one of their photos, all they need is a little peace & quiet.

Mary & Robert; whatever it took you to get here... to 30 years...&still be this in love & mad about each other ... the world needs more of it.

what an inspiration to couples, like myself, who have only been married 10 years.

these crazy kids are in it for the long haul!

Congratulations on 30 fabulous years of marriage... here's to 30 more
xo, S
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how sweet

 

How over joyed and blessed are the parents of Alyssa Marie... a.k.a Miss Aly.
so tiny. so wrinkly. so pink. so alert. so wonderous. so beautiful. so miraculous.
God never has a design that goes wrong but, BOY! did he get it so right when he made precious little babies.


Through baby pee,poo,barf,gas,food splatter,spilled milk or sticky juice,sleepless nights,sleep deprivation,saying "no" a million times and one, diapers,bottles,stains,puke smell and everything in between you end up with this. a TINY little *this* that makes your world go 'round and is candy for everyone else.

Cassie & Mike..thanks for satisfying my sweet tooth.
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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

the 4th


I always knew the 4th of July was coming, not only by the dates on the calendar, but when the construction of firework stands started on or around my birthday..

I was never allowed to set off my own fireworks.
My Grandpa did it for me, or my Dad, or my one of my Uncles or one of my boy cousins.
They all got to have the fun of playing with matches like they were professional pyro-technic firework operators...???

The women got to sit and watch. Which was nice .... until I reached a certain age & wanted to light the fireworks myself.
no...i didnt beg to light the M80's because I knew that wasnt going to happen.
I wanted to light the little fireworks from the family value pack we bought from the firework stand because I was realistic.

I did do sparklers. I used to write my name on the sidewalk and in the air with the glow of the sparkler..... didn't everyone?

the guys in my family used to run into the garage, grab a hammer and beat the snot outta the piccolo peets so the peets were flat inthe middle ... when they lit them they would scream and then POP really loud... everyone cheered when it popped.

After we were done with our own fireworks at home we would all climb up the latter to the top of the roof.. some sat on top of cars, and watched Knotts Berry Farm set their fireworks off.

I particularlly liked going to cerrritos college stadium the night before the 4th. not pay admission to sit in the stadium but park, our '56 chevy truck with the camper, in the cerritos college parking lot, setting up lawn chairs and taking our old styrafoam coolers with bologna sandwiches and soda pop.

I make new memories with my own family now. we watch a firework show together over a beautiful lake. We set fireworks off together. We eat barbeque together, celebrate each other and the blessings we have to be free. Much like the excitement and awe you feel when watching the grand finale of a firework show is the same feeling I'm over come with when I look around and see the faces lit up of the ones I love.

Monday, June 28, 2010

29 years of..


I didn't know when I was 4 years old, when this picture was taken, that I would be here at 29, married for over 10 years, been through 5 pregnancies, had 4 of those babies, and overcome and acheive so many things I never thought were possible.

I have been alive, just shy, for 3 decades.
I remember when I was 7 or 8. I couldn't wait to be in the double digits.. 10
I remember when I was 10 or 11. I couldn't wait to be a teenager.... 13
I remember when I was 13 or 14. I couldn't wait to be older & have more freedom..16
I remember when I was 16. I coudln't wait to be an adult and do what I wanted....18
I remember when I was 18. I had my first child.
Every other birthday I had seemed to speed by. Like it was a dragster at the county raceway.

but whenI went to bed last night.... i couldn't sleep.
I thought maybe I had stayed up too late on the computer and thats why i coudn't fall asleep.
I thought my brain was running with so many things that I wanted to do.... NEEDED to do that it wouldn't turn off and thats why I couldn't fall asleep.
I kept thinking of people I loved and people I missed at that very second... maybe thats why I coudln't go to sleep.
Then there was the dog barking outside from the neighbors house... perhaps that was why I couldn't fall asleep.

After considering all of this.....i realized................I was excited.
Excited to wake up and be 29. Excited to start a new year in the skin of a 29 year old.Excited to think of all the possibilities, opportunities, and memories I would make as a 29 year old.

Excited to think that God knew 29 years ago where I would be and the kind of excitement he would create in me for being where I am and who I am today.

excited that 29 years of blessing isn't all he has planned for me.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

livin' the dream




when I can look at a photograph of family that's not mine and I'm not related to in any way and get goosebumps and wanna cry...... I know Im livin' my dream

Thursday, June 24, 2010

thought..

I drove to Corona yesterday to get a burrito.
thought about the cost of gas.

pulled up weeds yesterday
thought about certain family memebers.

felt the hot sun on my back
thought about getting a good tan ... then thought about skin cancer

ran through the sprinkler with my kids
thought about my childhood

did a cartwheel
thought of a hospital bill.

did another carwheel
thought I was invincible.

sat on our patio and chomped on popsicles with my babies
thought about ants

saw the popsicle juice running down everyones hands and smiling faces
didnt care about the thought of ants anymore.

laid on a beachtowel on the grass in the shade looking up at the trees in my backyard
thought about how much i wished time would slow down

went to the grocery store with the kids to pick some stuff up for dinner
thought about how one day they'll ask if they can stay home while *I* go to the store

went to bed at 11pm by myself
thought about how much I missed the smell of Danny laying next to me.

opened the window before I went to sleep...felt the cool breeze & listened to the frogs outside
thought about God and his infinite blessings on this family.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

extraordinarily normal

I stuck my feet in the cool sand.
i listened to the waves.
I wiggled my toes in the ocean water.
i photographed a family.
i looked back at those photos of a family that isn't mine and it brought tears to my eyes.

i saw my Danny mow the lawn before he had to go to work at night.
I watched my kids swim and do back flips off the diving board.
I saw Scotty push keys on an adult sized piano and move his head back and forth like Stevie Wonder.
I ate barbeque in honor of my father and the father of my children.
i mopped up on smothered bbq ribs, homemade potatoe salad & Danny's elote.
I swept my floor, did the laundry, kept an empty sink of dishes, swept the dirt and leaves from the backyard, planted some herbs, and straightened my hair for no reason.
pretty normal stuff, if I do say so myself. extraordinarily normal.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

somewhere over the rainbow

how would you know how much I love you?
there aren't enough words in enough multiple languages to make you know how much you are loved. how much my heart aches because you'll never ever fully know the magnitude of my love for you.

are there rules how to love someone?
if so, who makes them?
I always thought God made the rules.
1Corinthians 13 tells me how to love.
challenges me to love more than I love you now..
and to love the people I don't.


I was taugh the meaning of love meant you would die for someone.
its SO MUCH MORE.
while laying down your life for someone is noble and honorable.....
loving unconditionally while your alive is harder.
feeling the beats of your heart... knowing who each beat is for.
naming each beat for each person you love.
naming off each breath of air after the ones you love.

what if I loved someone so much it could hurt them?
if my love were a weight, a boulder, a rock... it would crush them to death.

if my love were a hug it would squeeze the life right out of them.

what if I loved someone so much it didnt make sense.
if it borderlined banana farm worthy

what if the way I loved someone only made sense somewhere over the rainbow.

where anything was possible.
where my love was beautiful no matter how I showed it.
despite my flaws, dents, dings, imperfections, loud mouth, eye rolls, hand gestures, insensitive things i've ever said.

where my love mattered to you inspite of what you thought or how you thought i should show it.
where my love spilled out unconditionally in a way you never thought possible.
where you could count the stars and get tired of counting... thats my love in stars.
where quiet was louder & more powerful than anything I could ever say to explain how much I love you.
deafening silence is my love.

anything that grabs you and envelops you... entrenches you... takes you to a new place in your life. ... new chapters.... new experiences...when you feel down & out, or on could 9, when you feel like your drowing, when your short of breath... the warm blanket when its cold.... the cool breeze on a hot smmer day... the water that quenches your thirst, your umbrella in a downpour, the rainboots when your up to your knees in water, when you can't stop crying, when you can't stop that ugly face when your crying.....
THATS ME LOVING YOU.

whatever way I chose to express my love to you ...what ever way I say it....
you would recognize it was my love. it would be distinctive and unmistakable. because I love like nobody else.
and you.....................................
are nobody else.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

RozzyStar

I saw a 35 lb. chicken sing her lungs out.
i saw her flap her arms, cluck like a farm animal, dance and boogie like a funky chicken.....
but most importantly I saw this chicken spread her wings.

I saw her discover a whole new world beyond anything like she's ever seen.
I saw her work as a team. as an individual. I saw her be a leader and be apart of the group. I saw her practice, hard work and dedication. I saw her reap the benefits of her commitment to excellence.
I saw her take a bow with pride. I saw her make new friends and say goodbye to old ones. I cried.

like normal.

there is something about dangerously excited singing children singing in unison that just gets me...... right here.

especially when my toothless 5 year old daugher is one of those children.
My RozzyStar shines so bright I have tears in my eyes.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Summer

Summer smells like chlorine.
sunblock. hawaiian tropic suntan oil.
smells like the smoke from the bbq and tastes like charred hotdogs. mmmm my favorite.
it feels warm and sweaty in the crease of my arm... my hair of my face and Rozzy's hair in a messy bun.
summer feels like the cool breeze on a hot day and a cold glass of iced tea thats been sitting at my Mom's house.
It feels like the comfort of a linen tablecloth outside on the picnic table.
it tastes like the oranges and tangerines from my Mom's fruit trees inthe back yard. It looks & smells like the citrus juice running down the boys chins and arms.
It's Scotty running around in a water diaper and popscicle juice dripping everywhere.
Summer is the worry for ants.
It looks like sandy buttcracks and sand dusted feet.
feels like the shade of the umbrella and the coziness of a towel when you get out of the ocean.
Summer feels good with long evenings.dinner on the patio as the sunset seems to last forever.
Summer sounds like my babies laughing, Danny asking me to cut a watermelon, or pineapple and sprinklers. it sounds like the waves crashing at the beach. the sound of people on thier beach cruisers ringing their little bells to pass you by.
Summer looks like barefeet... and feels like paradise to walk on nice cushy green grass... its a blanket in the shade reading a book to your kids while the baby takes a nap. Its taking ice out of the ice molds from the freezer.
its a double or triple scoop ice cream from Thrifty's in a waffle cone. The icecream is bigger than the kids.
Summer is vacation Bible school .... learning how to be more faithful servants for our creator.
Summer is floaties and diving boards. It's NO RUNNING... its "should I make them wear water shoes?"
Summer is being able to touch the bottom in the deep end and then pushing yourself back up to the surface without loosing all your breath.
its about seeing how long your can hold your breath.
Summer is early mornings and strong cups of coffee... big breakfasts.
Summer is when we have about 3/4 of our family birthdays.
Summer is fire safety for the 4th of July.....its when you go broke trying to afford fireworks. and literally watching your money burn away.
its when you have one of the biggest worries of one of your kids catching themselves or each other on fire.
Summer is when Grandma & Papa get the beach house. Summer sounds like the wooden floor planks creaking and looks like curtains blowing in from the breeze.
its boogie boards and skim boards, sand toys & sand castles.
Summer is warm nights for star gazing.
Summer is the season where a lot of bees, mosquitos, & flys die at my house.
its when we plug in the white Christmas lights on the backyard patio and turn the radio up a little bit.
its when we put our garden flowers in a school made clay vase, Seth made, every week.
Summer is a season we don't wait for Thanksgiving or the fall to be thankful.
Summer is a 10pm or 11pm bed time.
we are so thankful for Summer & for each other

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I know what that feels like...

I thought about death yesterday.
I thought about it last night.
I felt like crying just thinking that I might leave the people I love behind.
i cried more and tensed up thinking about you leaving me.
because i know what that feels like.

I know what it feels like to feel that you have no reason to live.
to feel that your not afraid to die. nothing matters.
it takes too much focus to even eat.
too much concentration to change my clothes or shower.
when your body and your heart feel like they are swimming in wet cement.
it hurts to move.
everything your eyes touch find you in IT. everything your ears hear only hears you.

I know what it feels like for your heart to be raw around the edges.
raw on the inside.
pounded with a meat tenderizer.
numb.
numb to anything and everything except to the pain of the memory of the person you can't breathe without.
the way it feels frantically searching for a place where you can get more of the person that no longer exsists.. to try and get as much of them as possible to make them feel real again. to make it feel like your imagination is behaving badly.
the feeling you get when your gasping for air because your tears & thoughts are coming faster than you can breathe in and out.
I know that feeling.
I turn inside out when I think of my life without you.
I don't know how to turn my anxiety off.
I don't know how to get a good,full, deep breath anticipating the outcome.
beause i know what that feels like.
it feels like the black hole is never ending.
it feels like you can get comfortable in the blackness.
because it hurts too much to try and get comfortable anywhere else.
because you are everywhere else.
please don't leave me. and I won't leave you.
because i know what that feels like.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

bittersweetness

So many things have happened over the last month.
so many exciting things. New experiences, old faces, familiar feelings.
glimpses into the future, reminders of the past... the bittersweetness of today.

My Mom's birthday came. we celebrated in a beautiful park in Irvine California.
her birthday was on cinco de mayo day. double celebration.

Went on the last kindergarten field trip my daugher will ever have. saw baby animals at the farm. experienced the circle of life of baby animals with their mama animals with my circle of life who weighs 43 pounds and had a ponytail in her hair.

Seth's birthday was 3 days after Mom's. He turned 10. It was a BIG deal.
celebrated at the beach with family.

Mothers day crept up on us and so did my dishes and laundry.

rode a school bus down to oceanside with Seth's 4th grade class and had one of the most emotional experiences visiting Mission San Luis Rey. then had a near death experience on the way home from the field trip ...from a full blown allergy attack.

worked on portraits. taking, traveling, editing.
then worked my way through a few sore throats and fevers.

Met up with some girlfriends that stand the test of times. Had dimsum with my girls and introduced my Mom to some of my friends. (something I've always dreamed of doing) ..truly something I've always wanted to do.

Watched one of Danny's dreams come true to buy a dirtbike for our boys. I witnessed ten years of waxing and waning and thinking, and proposing, worrying, and excitement all come together when Danny rolled that bike outta the bed of the truck and watched his boys faces light up like Christmas trees. I watched Danny's light up even brighter.

drove to the desert, spent time with family, made memories, saw the boys make friends, and develop a new level of trust with their Dad.

bbq'd with family and watched Danny put all his love and care into making food for our family and watched them return it back to Danny by raving about how good it was. Watched Danny soak it up.

held back tears when I saw my daughter graduate from Kindergarten, and pictured her graduation on a much larger scale.... as in highschool and college.

bursted with pride to see Seth so proud of himself for getting student of the month award. then I wondered if i showed him enough how much I love him and if he truly knows how proud of him I am.

Laughed at the kids playing together in the sprinklers, slipping and sliding then falling. cracked up at Scotty trying to drink from the sprinklers and take his water diaper off. laughed harder at my baby sister run around naked after a day of swimming.

cried my eyes out and let the lump in my throat have complete reign.
i didn't fight it. tears are soaking up my shirt even as I type this out.... as I am reminded of how awesomely God has blessed me & my family... soaked with salty tears as I know I can't keep it like this forever.

bittersweet.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"smoke"

i was thinking the other day about my childhood.
what it felt like to be a kid.
then i thought about how old I was.
28 doesn't seem the age i feel every morning I wake up.
how did I get to 28? and why don't i feel it?
Im still the 4 year old girl who jumps waves at the beach.
who sits on her Grandpa's shoulders, and eats lunch in the camper at the beach.
the girl who rides her beach cruiser down the middle of the street with no hands.

where did i come from?
because where Im at now doesn't reflect the childhood I had.
doesn't reflect the people that were there.
as much as I want to remember and identify with something or a family I knew growing up .
I can't.
Its faded.
Like smoke. thick, in your face, choking you up, making me cough, burning my eyes and then it slowly fades away. my syptoms fade, and the air is clear again, but the smoke is still in my clothes.
if you've been around smoke all your life you know it's hard to wash the smoke out of your clothes. It takes time. and time. and time....and time again to get the smell out.. and even then.... its never completely out of the fibers.

Eventually you just learn the smell.

you cant smell it anymore.

its apart of you.


You think you've washed it way but its there..... and you don't know its there until your around someone who doesn't smoke and they ask you "whats that smell?"

someone brings it to your attention that your different. and then you realize its the smoke. the smoke you thought was gone.
you know smoke isn't good for you but you live with it because its who you are, its all you know. or at least you think the smoke is who you are.
Eventually you start smoking too.
but then you find out that smoke kills. second hand smoke kills. smoke is a form of poison. you stop smoking. no more smoke. but smoke lingers.
and you wake up one morning and realize "im still breathing in the smoke"

back when I was a kid it was okay to smoke around me.the adults back then, in my life, didn't think twice about lighting up. no one really knew the harmful effects it could have.

that it would have.

but now I know.
I know that smoke sneaks up on you, and wraps itself around you when you're not even looking. It travels. It affects other people you love and care for. It has no mercy. it always invites you back with the same poison it got you with the first time, and it never has anything better to offer.
I'm glad I kicked the habit. because I don't live my life in a thick smokey cloud of haze anymore.